More words! He now says, Kippa for Kipper. Yo yo gabba for yo gabba gabba.

cheese for a picture, and he holds out my iphone and then has to look at the back of the camera when it's all done to see himself.

i love this boy. he is so amiable. he is so special. he loves me.

Simon

I was looking back through my journal and realized i hadn't written about simon lately. 17 months at the end of january and he is big - almost as big as penny. a few weeks ago i bought them both vans. 5.5 for simon and a 6 for penny.

right now all he wants to do is climb and lean. from the benches in the kitchen nook to the counter. toilet to the sink, benches to the bookshelf cubbies on the other side of the kitchen table. its all crazy and dangerous. he is a good boy.

he has lots and LOTS of words right now.

MINE is the funniest one.

he says WHAT when someone calls his name

STUCK when he can't do something.

so many more. i'll have to write down and i remember them. BATH, BOTTLE. really trying to communicate. he is a funny kid.

He LOVES to sing. all the maggy haves songs are his favorite. he loves doing hand motions.

tonight

Doug went to church at 10:00, got home at 4:45, changed and went to the screening off BFF at 5. texted him at 8:30 and he said he was almost leaving. at 9 he said that there was a big push for the composer coming in tonight. it is now 11:45 and he is still not home.

my thoughts go crazy as one would guess. Last night, they stayed around for at least an hour after they wrapped, just talking. doug blamed it on Clint but it seemed wierd. tonight they are going super late. maybe that's just how kat works. i like her, i do. but i stress out when he is working with her. Russ wouldn't go this late, Carter, Aaron? i don't know. don't love the pattern. don't know what i should do. I need to TRUST him but movies tell me this is suspicious behavior. and then i am suspicious of everything else. constantly looking at his phone, not really connecting with the family yet since he got home. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno.

i hope he gets home soon.

great story

There is so much to document between my last post and this one. went to new york and saw that doug isn't really sexist or crushing on every female that crosses his path. It's just the communication break down and extended seperation. its hard to know how to take things and my mind goes crazy, way out of bounds. it's good to visit set for so many reasons. I know i have to trust doug. i also know we need to find more things in common and figure out more things to do together. what would doug want to spend time doing with me. genuinely looking forward to??? i dunno. need to figure it out. Basically, it comes down to the fact that i need to TRUST him. right? trust him....

Anyway, i have a terribly hilarious story about tonight. Brooke McCoy (at 5 months pregnant) and Jackie Finnigan want to a double feature tonight. Country Strong and The King's Speech. so good.

So were talking about potty training outside the theater and this douche-y looking guy with tatoos all over his arm comes over and asked what we were doing....going to the movies or already done. well, it was after midnight so we said, "its after midnight, we are going home."

Going home, he says. It's still early!

Well, we have to get home to our kids. all 11 of them between us.

Whaaat? we ended up giving high 5's and getting out of there. creepy, douche-y. totally should have flashed brooke's preggo belly.

i am still laughing.

just told doug about it. he could barely get out the compliment that i am cute enough for a 26 year old douche to try and pick up on me. wierd how he has such a hard time complimenting me. its true. pulling thanks giving together, remaking the playroom, how cute i am. don't know why. note to self: always always make sure my kids know great i think they are.

kinda sorting out how i feel tonight. i don't want to over-react but i don't have anyone to talk to about this.

earlier today, i got a text from Doug. it said, 'hi emmers!' just like that. kind of unlike him especially early-ish in the day. they were wrapping up and i guess he just wanted to say hi? not really like him. i know that sounds wierd but i wasn't expecting to hear from him at all once he started shooting. that's just usually the way it works out. so i was excited to talk to him but missed his call back because we were up at cub scout pack meeting.

talked to him about an hour later and he was watching dailies and he was really excited about them actually but sounded really tired. he was telling me about bradford and how he is kind of a lazy operator. he was telling me about carter and how he was all dressed up like an officer today because he was acting in it and that it was funny. i asked about Christina (the girl dp that once seemed threatening to him because they kicked doug off a shoot and gave it to her. i guess he is over that now.) anyway, he said it is going well because he flirts with her. well, not flirts but teases her. over the radio with 7 guys listening in. hmmmm. like what? his example was that he said, when you get done with that can you let down your hair, shake it out and roar like a lion?

What. the. CRAP??? seriously? not only is that flirting but it's pretty sexist and unprofessional, too. right?? am i in crazytown again?? i mean he must have mis represented how it really came across. but those were his words and i am still reeling.

ok, ok, don't over react. so i was like, whoa doug. that's crossing a line i think. but he was so sure that it wasn't and he was just teasing her in front of everyone and that she was responding to it really well. so i said, ya, you're a cute guy and you're giving her all this attention. and he didn't like that direction so i faked it and flipped around and said, "i trust you and its a good thing she's happy. best case scenario?" whatever. is how he keeps the upper hand with her?? i don't know!

All i can think now is him cracking overly friendly comments to her all day and what kind of guy that makes him look like. And then what a fool i will look like when i show up and everyone has been around for all of this but me. what an idiot. that's what i feel like right now. a big fat idiot.

the crapper is that i accused him of having a crush on Kat, the director of BFF and baby during that shoot. i was super insecure about the fact that they had such a phenomonal working relationship and they were working together ALL day every day for 6 weeks. and shes amazing and she is beautiful and photogenic and funny and original and a good mom to her 3 year old.

it's hard being me, on the outside. getting tiny fragments of what is going on all the time.

so now coming at him and accusing him of overly flirting with this girl was a bit monotonous, i guess.

i come off as the freaking lame, insecure, unattractive wife.

it sucked all the oomph outta me. i was really really excited for my trip and i know i'm over thinking this but it made me feel bad. i want to say to him, if you would say all of these things with me standing right next to you then you're probably ok. but i would have been appalled if he had said that over the radio while i was there. so inappropriate.

i need a therapist. this isn't the stuff for friends so it all stays in my head. And there is no way i can bring it up with him again. how sad.

Yup. tomorrow did hold more crazy.

mainly with the washer repairman. he showed up 1.5 hours late at 6:30 at night. took a look at it and asked if i had cash to pay for it. sure, i could pay for it. Cash he said, can you give me cash right now? or a check? it'll be cheaper than credit card. hmmm. sketchy. Then i realized that i had been trying to coordinate babysitting for tomorrow for the rockettes show. and then i got a call about being in a mormon.org video so i was trying to figure out if i could fit all that in and then if i couldnt i was trying to call around and find someone to take our place. so all of this is going on and i am on phone call after phone call and i realize that i had been telling people on the phone that doug was out of town and that the sketchy cash hungry repairman was right there listening the whole time. so then i started freaking out that he was going to come back to rob us or attack us or something. i was feeling very vulnerable. Mr. Lee the piano teacher was here for the kids music lessons and so after calling doug (really, i should have kicked the guy out when he told me it would be 385 for credit card instead of 300 cash.) but then i would have had to pay him 75 bucks for coming out and another 385 to someone else. other places i called couldn't come until next week and i desperately needed my washer to work.

ANYWAY, so he was working on it and taking a long time and so i asked mr. lee to stay until the guy was finished. he is so nice and agreed. then 7:30 was getting closer and closer and i had to get sophie to soccer practice and the dumb guy wasnt done yet. so i had mr. lee go out and ask when he would finish. a man presence is always good. he mumbled something and finally i just had to go so mr. lee stayed with all three kids while i ran up to the soccer field and back. thankfully, the guy was gone when i returned. i am nervous he will try to use my credit card. anyway, then all of a sudden rachel came over to check on me and then jonathan hale pulled up with caden to check on me. doug had called a bunch of people to come visit so the guy could see that there were plenty of people watching after us. i almost cried after rachel left and jonathan pulled up.

sooooooo crazy. i was up most of the night, unable to sleep. i was really freaked out. our front window was broken and i had nightmares about him breaking in to our house.

next day, owen was going to the bathroom standing up with his backpack on and almost out the door to school. i put simon in the car and came back in and owen told me, "mom, i think i pooped my pants. i farted and a little too much came out." huh?? i told you. crazytown.

thing are much better now, last week was the hardest week ive had in a while, which is saying something cuz i have had a hard time since doug started the features.

then penny woke up with a fever on saturday which meant i couldnt go to the rockettes with sophie. called and changed plans with the babysitter, more coordinating, rachel called and needed me home to watch ezra so they could pick up the car, was at sophie's soccer playoff game with all the kids, which is crazy in itself with all the blankets, shoes, toys, drinks, mini orange peels, etc. oh and then owen was dying to get to Donald's house for a playdate that had been rescheduled twice because of illness

i mean seriously, i could go on and on. the days are always like this. it is exhausting to type it all.

don't want to forgetj

• eiei-o
• sex-wing fighter
• sophie only playing 3 quarters of her championship game because it was delayed and she had to get to the dang rockettes show. 4-0 we won.
• 
  

i tried a thousand ways

to try putting into words a day like today. i'll start with the big crazy stuff. i am starting to believe that i really do live in crazytown. for instance. this morning, i left the door open to the car so penny could do her thing and take her time to come in the house, whatever. then i closed it on the way to owen's holiday program. which was hilarious, by the way. Beachy theme, Little St. Nick by the Beach Boys and featuring the jazz square and a boy girl coreography. very funny.

so i come back from the program an hour later and see something running around inside the car. INSIDE the car. it is a squirrel. a freaking squirrel had been locked in the car for over an hour! So, i go and open the door and the dumb thing just sits there perched on the passenger seat head rest. i open the passenger door and he finally jumps out. i go and inspect the damage, just cringing to think what it might be. didn't ravege the beef jerky or eat the mandarins or any of the crap in the car. nope, he chewed through the speaker on the dashboard and nibbled into the dashboard. that's right, chewed the freaking dashboard. how on earth do I get that fixed.

then i went and got my eyebrows waxed while rachel the babysitter sat with the babies. then penny went to preschool while i blogged in the first quiet/alone hours i've had months.

thre is so much more to this story but i'll have to finish tomorrow. right now it is 3 am and ive been up for 2 hours already. my eyes are hurting and my brain is tired and even though i can't sleep, i have to try. I am sure tomorrow holds more crazy.