i need to stop spending money. i'm spending money we do NOT have. so much in taxes, so much in debt, so much to pay every month!!! what am i doing??? it's being skinny now and not looking cute for 2 years. ive seriously got a problem. and i can't decide if it feels like more because of all the buying and taking back or if it's just more more more!!! its like i'm trying to be something were not. wealthy. dangerous! if i take back the home goods stuff and i send back the dresses. i could even take back a bracelet for the wedding it would more than cover the cost of the boots. sophie is going to die. i buy so much stuff and then make a big deal whenever she wants something. maybe if i let her wear my uggs she will feel ok.

penny is crying like crazy in her crib right now. i don't know why its so hard for her to go to sleep. i wish she would just stop. doug knows how to put her down without any crying going on. tonight i make a fatal mistake. i gave her a bottle with water in it. now nothing less will do. not juice or milk in a cup

just asked owen if he still like his teacher. his response, " well, she's still nice even if she does get a little furious sometimes." at least he doesn't have mrs. clark, caden's teacher. (he wanted me to include that in my journal)

I just bought him some star wars toys on craigslist. awesome awesome ships and guys with light sabers, etc. he loves them. oh owen. i could go on about all my kids. i worry about owen the most right now. he's in the middle and gets lost sometimes.

There has been...

a lot going on the past few weeks. I am struggling to keep the babies alive, meaning just about every second of the day i am pulling them off each other. simon is starting to fight back now or instigate fights on his own by bonking penny on the head in the tub or pulling her hair.

i am feeling the need so strongly to get organized and set up with the right tools in this house. of course this is perfectly terrible timing as doug is going into his first low budget feature this month and then straight onto maladies in nov/december. crazy. if i keep going i will spend all the money that we have. i know i can do it... i feel like ive done it before.

i want to feel like a grown up with nice things, instead of the junk i normally buy. my poor kids. it's so sad that i don't know how to do so many domestic things. decorate, cook, clean, laundry. its super sad.

owen hit his head on the curb yesterday. he fell off his scooter and crashed. came in all dizzy and with a goose egg on his forehead.

sophie is busy, busy as usual. choir, young women, volley ball, soccer, dance ensamble, voice ensamble... she is going for best personality at school for the 8th grade bests.

simon is saying Yes and NO and hello and whoa and yay, dad (with claps after we sing any song)

Penny is penny. feisty and adorable.

whats been happening

i know ill regret not writing in this journal more. so many things are going on with the kids and i can barely remember them even now as i sit down to write, let alone in 20 years.

sophie is looking like a teenAGER these days. i went to pick her up from robins house this afternoon and she was in the backyard on this high platform ledge of the hot tub dancing to high school musical. which isnt necessarily bad but there were roofers right there, a young one and an old one and it was weird. i think she was looking for the attention. good kid, though. went to volleyball camp this summer and had a great time with miranda from northern california. she is laurie malawanags niece and was the perfect roommate. today was the second day of 8th grade for her. 8th GRADE! shes playing soccer and volleyball at the same time. Hoping her grades dont suffer. its going to be a wild semester with soccer (x2) volleyball, YW, cub scouts, guitar, maggy haves. phew.

owen is playing soccer this year. today was his first practice and the boys were running circles around him. it was kinda hard to watch. he was high five-ing at weird times and dancing around the ball like he was afraid of it. i took the little kids up to the swings for the last half hour and when i came back he just wanted to keep practicing and kept talking about building his strength up. he ran up and down the hill (a steep one) 3 times on the way to the car. he told me at dinner that he wanted to go on a diet to help him get stronger and eat more fruits, etc. i think he really wants to be like the other boys and that is a big factor for him. i asked him at dinner what the coach said to him and he said the coach told him he needed to build up his strength so he could kick the ball farther. I hope beyond hope that this will be a good experience for him. it seems like just the thing weve been needing but if the boys start being mean it could go south really quick. oh boy. hes also in a 3/4 split class this year. seems to like it. i think he was bored last year and would get in trouble a lot. he needs to be challenged. mr lee is coming on thursday to start guitar with him. hope that works as well.

bought a vita mix today. actuallly doug did. 400 bucks at costco. we will see what we can do with that puppy.

penny. ooooooohhhhhhh, penny. right now penny hates going to bed and taking naps. she hates it. cries a lot, likes the door open, i took away the bottle after she threw up twice last week. no other symptoms, just too much milk. i had a goal for her to be able to sit and listen to stories and weve been working on that. she is sitting for longer and listening to the 'ladybug girl' now. shes so cute and crazy but much more patient with simon who is getting a lot more aggressive with her. they fight back and forth a lot, its SO comical. she's also talking a lot more. she says hubba, hubba, which is funny. and so much more that i cant even remember right now.

And my simon, oh my blue eyed boy. hes walking all over now. likes to play with cars. likes to go outside and wander around, likes balls, points to things as we read stories. says hello and today in the car i swear he was copying a song we listened to. the banana splits, tra la la, lalala la, la la la la, etc. i think he was saying it! i'm also trying to teach him ball. he's almost 1. still need to take his 11 month picture. don't quite know what to do for his bday. oh i almost forgot... he LOOOOOOVES to dance. will rock back and forth like a crazy man. its awesome. he claps after the songs in sacrament meeting, waves his arm like hes leading the music. seems very musical. he also nods his head BIG when we ask him questions.

we read scriptures tonight, it felt so good. we are going to memorize a scripture this week. need more spirit in our house.

goals.

sophie:

owen:

penny

simon

Oh the things that are happening

Oh my baby simon. you started walking about 5 days ago. maybe Aug 2nd? just at 11 months. you're toddling more and more everyday. your so jolly. so so jolly. you're nodding your head so big when i'm asking you questions. Simon, are you done eating? and you're head bobs big and exaggerated.

You love to dance. anytime there is music on or i'm singing a song you sway back and forth or bob your head. you love to shake it. so cute. it's so so cute. so deliberate. you're happy and you love it.

And then today at church. aunt jami and her family were visiting and we were sitting in relief society and you opened a play phone and said, Hello? i think that is your first word... hello. and then you said it after church a bunch of times and waved along with it.

Simon has started nodding his head "yes" whenever i ask him a question. It's the cutest thing. very exaggerated and it makes him happy. he also waves with closed fingers

Penny = hilarious. take charge girl. doesn't want to sleep in her crib anymore. gigi's bed or mama's bed. tons of new words and phrases.

owen took apple camp this week. he had to make a movie and they taught him how to edit it in imovie. it's a free camp, we bought him an iflip video camera. it was hilarious. doug is at the presentation now. 4 kids showing their movies and i got a one word text to describe it. painful.

sophie is at girls camp this week. doug went up to testimony meeting last night and he said it was so cute. all the girls were crying and it had just started. sophie came up to him afterward and had tONS of tissues from crying. so cute.

fourth of july

today was owen's first day fasting. he was so hungry. so so hungry. we said a prayer to help him, we came up with a reason to fast. all was in order. during testimony meeting, he bore his testimony and said that heavenly father helps us when we have troubles. it was perfect. he never looks nervous just self assured and confident.

by the end of church we saw that his class was given cookies. COOKIES on fast sunday. whatever. so i had a bite. i always finish a fast after church, sophie breaks her fast with a prayer. when we saw owen down on the gate i assumed he had dug right into those cookies. Sophie asked if he broke his fast. he said, No! we found out he thought that meant eating when he wasn't supposed to. so cute. then i asked if he had already eaten some and he said, no and that he thought we weren't eating until dinner. so there he was, making sure he was keeping the rules, doing it right. we said a prayer to break our fasts in the car on the way home. he was so excited that he got to eat right after church. good, owen . good good boy.

Then we went to the chris and jan's house for fireworks. we walked down to CBS and Simon was just in awe of the fireworks. he sat very still watching the show. would coo at the pops and crackles but not afraid. really seemed to like it. at one point i gave him to doug and he was craning his neck to see the show. love that boy.

Sophie and willa are so funny. she changed her outfit a bunch of times before we went over there, making sure she had red, white and blue. then she went and found red white and blue outfits for everybody and was trying to get us all to change in to them. she's so cool.

and penny. miss pie. she enjoyed the fireworks a little. she put her two bitty fingers into her ears and would say. "loud!, loud mama!!" she was very cute and chris and jans afterward. playing with baby dolls, waving at chris with teeny fingers, talking all cute. it was a good day.

thoughts.

wsimon

• we call him the wrecker. he has a fast and accurate swipe and he's strong, too.
• is 10 months old now.
• copying my babble.
• walked 9 steps on july 1.
• still so happy all the time.
• we're watching a dog this weekend (woofie) and simon got nipped at cuz he was grabbing at his face and hair. not good.
• was playing around with a small white laundry basket today. so intrigued by everything.
• copies patty cake. almost to throw to the birdies.

other junk

• i got problems. what to do about doug. he doesn't get it. doesn't quite understand how intense and exhausting life is for me right now.
• makes me wanna push him away and say "fine. you take care of you and i'll do what i need to take care of me. if i wait for you, its never gonna come."
• i know thats not the right answer, but talking doesn't get us anywhere.
• he went to see cyrus last night. (after being gone most of the day for work. left at6:30 for an 8:05 movie, got home at 1:30, stayed up until 3, got up a 7:00 for a soccer game with Adam Johnson. got sick at the bbq today. oh that's right, he did take the kids all day without me, but it was the first in a really really long time and when he got home he plopped all the bags down and went into his office to read. i never get to do that. ever. ever. never. ever