Tonight just ended badly. Talked to doug for an hour and then the kids came in. Itit was time for them To go to sleep but they didn't want to get out of my bed. And then i found all these messes and it just makes me so mad! Sophie huffed off to nbed after I told her I didnt want her left over folder trash that she just cleaned out left all over my floor. Ugh!

Journal for Doug

This morning Doug flew to New York. I think he is coming home for Thanksgiving, but for all intents and purposes, he is on the next feature
From now until christmas. And then a few days after as well. The last feature ended and the re-entry was difficult. more difficult than either of us anticipated. anyway, as of this morning i am flying solo.

I really want to keep a journal of what happens when Doug is gone. i will try to do it everyday. He misses out on so much already, maybe this will fill in some gaps.

i was a little mopey today -- i usually am the first day he travels.

Penny played in the playroom for much of simons nap so i could rest, text jessica and just zone out. Then she pooped in her underwear. (the underwear we bought at target today. hello kitty kat and rainbow...her picks. but now we have tons of underwear all over the house.) so she called me and we ran to the bathroom where a big steamy mushy poop fell out of her underwear and on to the bathroom floor. awesome. luckily i had just bought some flushable wipes so the clean up wasnt too bad.

Owen complained about doing anything that wasnt TV, Video games or playdates. Really feeling the need to start the ticket system.

trying not to employ retail therapy while he is gone. putting my focus on exercise instead. not as much fun as laying in a bed following link after awesome link of stuff to buy. that is one of my favorite things. alas, we really REALLY don't have any money so i've got to resist. not sure how to pull off thanksgiving for 25 people without spending, but whatever.

today was just hard

tonight i ended up screaming at everyone. penny especially because she hurts everyone. simon all day long, of course, and then tonight Owen screamed so loudly because she bit him that i kinda got mad at him too. why does he have to scream so LOUD!!! so i came over and grabbed her and screamed, you have to stop!! penny, just stop!! and she started crying and i was slamming doors and saying no one gets to watch TV (charlie brown and the great pumpkin) and really hoping the neighbors couldnt here. i'm just done. so so done.

then we all made up and i said if they clean up the living room, they can watch the show. so they did. then owen hurt his foot in the kitchen and was crying so i went into help him, then i hear banging in the living room so i go in there and penny was smashing the corner of one of their blocks (that we had just cleaned up) into the body of doug's guitar that is hanging on the wall. simon was banging a block too but he is too short to reach any instruments so it was going straight into the wall. and now there are three huge dents or pocks. he is going to freak out. so then i can't stop thinking about how much he is going to freak out and now i am mad at him for being mad at me for letting it happen, yet after 5 freaking weeks alone (!!!!!) how DARE he even breathe even an ounce of criticism.

why are we doing this? Doug is miserable, I am miserable, we are making NO money. seriously, what do we want in our future. features? does that really mean a life without doug? what are we doing?

things i dont want to forget

• simon saying, 'my mama'
• penny pooping on the toilet. the training begins.
• owen loving comics. need to go to the library tomorrow. it fuels drawing in him. must nurture.
• sophie telling me that her friend kimi's mom is a lesbian. she said, i don't want you to be all judgie but kimi's mom is a lesbian. her name is stormy. i said, sophie, i wont be judgie. weve talked a lot about this and that its not ok for us. specifically you. but people are going to do what they're going to do and i'm sure she's really nice. stormy the lesbian. she said, ok, but can you not call her 'stormy the lesbian?"
• owen threw up at school today. i got so sick yesterday then sophie last night and owen today. babies are ok for whatever reason. at one point around 8:30, i was so sick and laying in my bed, sophie was in the bathroom throwing up, penny had just burned her fingers on a lamp and was wailing on my chest and simon was screaming at the top of his lungs in his crib. he wasn't quite ready to go to sleep but i NEEDED him to go to sleep. at that moment, owen came up and said, mom...i have a joke for you. then he looked around at all the chaos and said, "is now not a good time?"
• it's 4 am and i cant go to sleep. just thinking and thinking and thinking.
• how can i be a better mom, a better person. how do i get my kids really good at something. excel in something, specifically music??? i want them to be good at an instrument so badly and can't seem to get over that hump no matter how much money i spend. need help.
• mendi had a hysterectomy last week after delivering her 4th baby. i am sad for her.
• dougs feature is almost wrapped. we need money. feeling nervous.

is greg heffley (from Diary of a Wimpy Kid) LDS?

Owen and i discussed this topic for about 20 minutes. he has some pretty solid arguments. very funny.

#1 it says he goes to church

#2 He says Oh my GoSH instead of the other one.

#3 He prays

i love this kid. characters in books, movies, comics are so real to him. all the time he will ask me if i believe in george and harold. (characters in a book that write super diaper baby) haha

just now he described in lenghthy detail (without calling it by name) flag football. "these long strings hanging from the back...it doesn't hurt when they pull it, i promise."

today, owen got up to put in a movie and said, "ill do the honors."

haha, so funny.

i had simon dressed up in a light blue button up and some tan cords for church and his hair is long and a little shaggy. he reminded me so much of chris farley from tommy boy. i couldnt get it out of my head. too cute!

penny is alternately so cute and so evil. she calls everyone and everything stupid. when shes mad at anything or even a little bit miffed or i say no, or take the gumballs away (awesome green, purple and orange for halloween) she freaks out and says stupid mommy!!

Im not doing so well right now. i hate our living room and i just took the round table out of the house and put chairs there. i kinda hate that too. its not comfortable, not one single section of this house is comfortable. after meeting kat and her cool pad full of thrift store finds, doug flips and says we should look for more of that kind of thing. he had been trying to create a museum (a la flippin aaron ruell)

now im left with a house that no one can hang out in, no kids can play in. just gets messy. I HATE IT!

what do i do? seriously, what do i do???

Yesterday, Owen came out from the bath looking for a towel. he was covering his front and back parts with his hands, one in front, one in back. when i was like, "Owen, what are you doing? go get a towel." He said, im covering my private parts {barely}. the crack is the most inappropriate part of the butt."