anti-muse

I've been glum lately. in a funk and really really down. about marriage mostly. about me and doug.

jealous of his doug/kat thing. even though i really like her and her family i've felt threatened. and i know it's because we are missing the 'it' in our marriage.

a muse is a source of inspiration. sophie is a muse. (right now they're writing an impromptu song) kat is a muse, i am not his muse. Why am i not in there with them?? not in photography (as i'm not photogenic) and not in much else creative.

i am the anti-muse.

h h p-=x y \-vp-;u'

This morning Doug left to go on an overnight photo trip with Kat. we fought about it on wednesday, he lamely attempted to get adam johnson to go, had an awkward conversation with kat about that and she said she'd rather not have a chaperone.

''''hjhjjugygyuy

today

today Baylen Johnson, owen's bestest friend in the whole wide world, was baptized. Yesterday, bart called and asked if owen would give a little talk on his baptism, maybe just talking about his own baptism.

He sat down at the computer this morning, i was out talking to rachel and he would yell out to me, MOM. i need you to help me write my talk!

so once i finally came in i found him at he computer with a new document open and about 4 lines written in a really special font that he found and choose especially for the baptism. or maybe he just liked it, i don't know.

anyway, so i helped him finish by asking qustions and then typing word for word what his answers.

and then today, we were supposed ot go see sophie at her choir competition thing and got everoyone real

More words! He now says, Kippa for Kipper. Yo yo gabba for yo gabba gabba.

cheese for a picture, and he holds out my iphone and then has to look at the back of the camera when it's all done to see himself.

i love this boy. he is so amiable. he is so special. he loves me.

Simon

I was looking back through my journal and realized i hadn't written about simon lately. 17 months at the end of january and he is big - almost as big as penny. a few weeks ago i bought them both vans. 5.5 for simon and a 6 for penny.

right now all he wants to do is climb and lean. from the benches in the kitchen nook to the counter. toilet to the sink, benches to the bookshelf cubbies on the other side of the kitchen table. its all crazy and dangerous. he is a good boy.

he has lots and LOTS of words right now.

MINE is the funniest one.

he says WHAT when someone calls his name

STUCK when he can't do something.

so many more. i'll have to write down and i remember them. BATH, BOTTLE. really trying to communicate. he is a funny kid.

He LOVES to sing. all the maggy haves songs are his favorite. he loves doing hand motions.

tonight

Doug went to church at 10:00, got home at 4:45, changed and went to the screening off BFF at 5. texted him at 8:30 and he said he was almost leaving. at 9 he said that there was a big push for the composer coming in tonight. it is now 11:45 and he is still not home.

my thoughts go crazy as one would guess. Last night, they stayed around for at least an hour after they wrapped, just talking. doug blamed it on Clint but it seemed wierd. tonight they are going super late. maybe that's just how kat works. i like her, i do. but i stress out when he is working with her. Russ wouldn't go this late, Carter, Aaron? i don't know. don't love the pattern. don't know what i should do. I need to TRUST him but movies tell me this is suspicious behavior. and then i am suspicious of everything else. constantly looking at his phone, not really connecting with the family yet since he got home. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno.

i hope he gets home soon.

great story

There is so much to document between my last post and this one. went to new york and saw that doug isn't really sexist or crushing on every female that crosses his path. It's just the communication break down and extended seperation. its hard to know how to take things and my mind goes crazy, way out of bounds. it's good to visit set for so many reasons. I know i have to trust doug. i also know we need to find more things in common and figure out more things to do together. what would doug want to spend time doing with me. genuinely looking forward to??? i dunno. need to figure it out. Basically, it comes down to the fact that i need to TRUST him. right? trust him....

Anyway, i have a terribly hilarious story about tonight. Brooke McCoy (at 5 months pregnant) and Jackie Finnigan want to a double feature tonight. Country Strong and The King's Speech. so good.

So were talking about potty training outside the theater and this douche-y looking guy with tatoos all over his arm comes over and asked what we were doing....going to the movies or already done. well, it was after midnight so we said, "its after midnight, we are going home."

Going home, he says. It's still early!

Well, we have to get home to our kids. all 11 of them between us.

Whaaat? we ended up giving high 5's and getting out of there. creepy, douche-y. totally should have flashed brooke's preggo belly.

i am still laughing.

just told doug about it. he could barely get out the compliment that i am cute enough for a 26 year old douche to try and pick up on me. wierd how he has such a hard time complimenting me. its true. pulling thanks giving together, remaking the playroom, how cute i am. don't know why. note to self: always always make sure my kids know great i think they are.