so now, today

there was a ton of meyhem with my trip to New York. I realized that the kids are out of school and that maya's baptism is on the 18 so mom and dad couldnt come down and watch the kids anyway. so then i decided to check out flights from vegas on virgin america. turns out there are really cheap flights with 3 full days in new york for super super cheap. but i had already bought my other ticket. so now i have spent a total of 700 dollars getting there and i am feeling really really guilty. we have no money. i am seriously interested in cutting back all spending. i spent so much on fixing up the house, just when i should have been spending nothing at all. i did the opposite. i am so happy and content with the house now that it is hard to begrudge it but i hate all that debt sitting out there. ugh... the burtons are coming to new york which is so awesome and perfect except for the fact that they have money and they totally know how to blow it out. we've been talking all day about how were going to blow it out in new york and i feel like i have been lying to myself or pretending with her. blah......... cant get a good read from doug, he is busy. i am sure he hates me spending more money. i miss him. it is only day 3.

Book of Mormon Video

Tonight we reshot our Book of Mormon video. we shot it on Saturday but, sadly, i shot it vertically on my iphone and it was all stretched out and wierd in imovie. So, we got to do it again. and ya know, i'm kinda glad we did. it was a little flippant and this one feels more reverent, but funny with the babies being themselves.

we did enos. i was outside shooting the little ones and waiting for sophie and owen when sophie came out and told me that she thought she had started her period. i hugged her and we talked a little bit about it. i went and got her some pads today and dropped them off at school. i need to make sure and take some time to answer questions or see how she's feeling. her friends at school are really supportive and they talk a lot about this it seems. just want to make sure she knows i am here for her. life is pretty chaotic and i dont want this to get lost in the shuffle of things.

No words can express how much i hate putting penny to bed at night.

thanksgiving

could not have been any better. seriously. kelly and her family came in tuesday night and went to disneyland wednesday. carter and erin showed up wednesday afternoon, grandma and grandpa wednesday night.

Rachel and brandon are in toronto, he is shooting a pilot so their house is vacant, so carter and erin and their family and mom and dad slept over their and all weekend we all went back and forth, back and forth. it was total perfection. food was good, the house looked great. finally got it all finished.

doug and i saw The Last Three Days last night with russell crowe and elizabeth banks. it was a crazy movie. we went to kuru kuru sushi and then down to the hollywood arclight.

i was pretty moody. didn't talk much. doug and i were kind of a misfire while he was home this weekend. i felt like while he was gone, i was able to grow and when he comes home, i end up trailing him like a puppy, not able to make any decisions until i ask him. he bully's his opinion onto everyone, especially me. i told him this and i think it sent him introspective. he feels like he is failing at at every corner of his life. concerns about the last feature (BFF and Baby), concerns about the next feature (Maladies)

this morning, penny had her dolls out in the hallway and sophie walked by and stepped on one of the dolls. Penny got so mad, "sophie, you stepped on my doll! you go to time out!" she took sophie by the hand, marched her into my room and closed the door. "time out, sophie." and didn't let her out until finally i said we needed to get to school.

Simon was playing in his crib and started saying, "look, look." i looked over and he was holding a starwars guy out so i could see. "look."

He said it again in the car today. so cute!

penny just dressed herself and she told me she was getting ready for a party. she has a skirt, with a tank top dress over it. both very clashy patterns, of course. with her running shoes on the wrong feet. going to a party.

oh, was was the other funny thing she said. it was about the cleaners that came yesterday. Mom, they cleaning my bathroom!, they cleaning my kitchen!.

doug is coming home today. very excited. very tired.

today

Today.

simon had an acid poop. his bum was so so red.

penny was amazing at potty training today. we were at ikea and she told me she had to go pee pee and she held it until we got to the front of the store.

Sophie taught Owen the word brain fart, which made him practically shoot top ramen out of his nose.

Sophie and I raced across the field after basketball practice and i was feeling so fast. she was like, i'm jogging. i was like, oh right. and then she was like, watch me. and then she put on the gas and absoluely schooled me. she was SOOOO fast. crazy fast.

simon is such a good boy. he walked around and kept himself busy all afternoon. he woke up 2xs last night and i brought him in to the bed with me and i slept with him all snuggled up to me for a few hours. i was heaven. i love his breath right in my face. baby breath doesn't last long so i am enjoying it now.

oh, before we went out to run our errands this morning, penny decided to pack her back pack with snacks. she went to the fridge and got ranch dressing, balsamic viniagrette and caramel sauce and put each one in her backpack. "i got snacks, mom!" she yelled on her way to the car.

its 10:30 and all i want to do is have everyone in bed so i can clean or sleep or whatever. sophie still has a test to study for, owen is too afraid to do anything by himself: brush teeth, lay down in a bed walk in the hallway. and then penny slept from 3:30-6:30 so there is no way she is going down

everyone except grandma and grandpa come in tomorrow night. hope i will be ready, i feel almost there.

today is the 5 year anniversary of when doug's dad passed away. poor rolyne. i really hope i get doug longer than doug's mom had his dad. i know there is a purpose/place/time for everything but i do hope we get to be old together.

Tonight penny made herself a jam sandwich. i heard owen making himself a pb and j and assumed he made one for penny as well.

i said, thanks for making penny a sandwich, owen!

I didn't make that, mom.

Penny said, "penny made it. penny do it, mom!"

she climbed a stool and spread jam on both sides and put it together. then she came into the family room, found my computer and decided to use it as a plate.

hmmm.

i was very impressed.

what i am good at

feeling partiularly down today. trying to get ready for thanksgiving and struggling not to succomb to self loathing. that sounds dramatic but i feel depressed about who i am sometimes. if i could change one thing about me it would be organization. what i wouldn't give to be organized. i don't know why i'm not but every room i walk in makes me feel defeated. like i have dead limbs.

so i am trying to focus on the positive.

What i am good at:

1.

crap. not even one? ah, suck it.

Couldn't find my keys this morning. Pulled carseats into dougs car. In the way to Owens school penny had to have her blanket, her purse full of blocks and her phone. She had to for back in for the play phone. Then we sat in front of the house for a minute and she got her purse and phone and sat in the front seat pretending to talk to daddy on her cell phone. Mini mama.

Tonight just ended badly. Talked to doug for an hour and then the kids came in. Itit was time for them To go to sleep but they didn't want to get out of my bed. And then i found all these messes and it just makes me so mad! Sophie huffed off to nbed after I told her I didnt want her left over folder trash that she just cleaned out left all over my floor. Ugh!

Journal for Doug

This morning Doug flew to New York. I think he is coming home for Thanksgiving, but for all intents and purposes, he is on the next feature
From now until christmas. And then a few days after as well. The last feature ended and the re-entry was difficult. more difficult than either of us anticipated. anyway, as of this morning i am flying solo.

I really want to keep a journal of what happens when Doug is gone. i will try to do it everyday. He misses out on so much already, maybe this will fill in some gaps.

i was a little mopey today -- i usually am the first day he travels.

Penny played in the playroom for much of simons nap so i could rest, text jessica and just zone out. Then she pooped in her underwear. (the underwear we bought at target today. hello kitty kat and rainbow...her picks. but now we have tons of underwear all over the house.) so she called me and we ran to the bathroom where a big steamy mushy poop fell out of her underwear and on to the bathroom floor. awesome. luckily i had just bought some flushable wipes so the clean up wasnt too bad.

Owen complained about doing anything that wasnt TV, Video games or playdates. Really feeling the need to start the ticket system.

trying not to employ retail therapy while he is gone. putting my focus on exercise instead. not as much fun as laying in a bed following link after awesome link of stuff to buy. that is one of my favorite things. alas, we really REALLY don't have any money so i've got to resist. not sure how to pull off thanksgiving for 25 people without spending, but whatever.

today was just hard

tonight i ended up screaming at everyone. penny especially because she hurts everyone. simon all day long, of course, and then tonight Owen screamed so loudly because she bit him that i kinda got mad at him too. why does he have to scream so LOUD!!! so i came over and grabbed her and screamed, you have to stop!! penny, just stop!! and she started crying and i was slamming doors and saying no one gets to watch TV (charlie brown and the great pumpkin) and really hoping the neighbors couldnt here. i'm just done. so so done.

then we all made up and i said if they clean up the living room, they can watch the show. so they did. then owen hurt his foot in the kitchen and was crying so i went into help him, then i hear banging in the living room so i go in there and penny was smashing the corner of one of their blocks (that we had just cleaned up) into the body of doug's guitar that is hanging on the wall. simon was banging a block too but he is too short to reach any instruments so it was going straight into the wall. and now there are three huge dents or pocks. he is going to freak out. so then i can't stop thinking about how much he is going to freak out and now i am mad at him for being mad at me for letting it happen, yet after 5 freaking weeks alone (!!!!!) how DARE he even breathe even an ounce of criticism.

why are we doing this? Doug is miserable, I am miserable, we are making NO money. seriously, what do we want in our future. features? does that really mean a life without doug? what are we doing?

things i dont want to forget

• simon saying, 'my mama'
• penny pooping on the toilet. the training begins.
• owen loving comics. need to go to the library tomorrow. it fuels drawing in him. must nurture.
• sophie telling me that her friend kimi's mom is a lesbian. she said, i don't want you to be all judgie but kimi's mom is a lesbian. her name is stormy. i said, sophie, i wont be judgie. weve talked a lot about this and that its not ok for us. specifically you. but people are going to do what they're going to do and i'm sure she's really nice. stormy the lesbian. she said, ok, but can you not call her 'stormy the lesbian?"
• owen threw up at school today. i got so sick yesterday then sophie last night and owen today. babies are ok for whatever reason. at one point around 8:30, i was so sick and laying in my bed, sophie was in the bathroom throwing up, penny had just burned her fingers on a lamp and was wailing on my chest and simon was screaming at the top of his lungs in his crib. he wasn't quite ready to go to sleep but i NEEDED him to go to sleep. at that moment, owen came up and said, mom...i have a joke for you. then he looked around at all the chaos and said, "is now not a good time?"
• it's 4 am and i cant go to sleep. just thinking and thinking and thinking.
• how can i be a better mom, a better person. how do i get my kids really good at something. excel in something, specifically music??? i want them to be good at an instrument so badly and can't seem to get over that hump no matter how much money i spend. need help.
• mendi had a hysterectomy last week after delivering her 4th baby. i am sad for her.
• dougs feature is almost wrapped. we need money. feeling nervous.