kinda sorting out how i feel tonight. i don't want to over-react but i don't have anyone to talk to about this.

earlier today, i got a text from Doug. it said, 'hi emmers!' just like that. kind of unlike him especially early-ish in the day. they were wrapping up and i guess he just wanted to say hi? not really like him. i know that sounds wierd but i wasn't expecting to hear from him at all once he started shooting. that's just usually the way it works out. so i was excited to talk to him but missed his call back because we were up at cub scout pack meeting.

talked to him about an hour later and he was watching dailies and he was really excited about them actually but sounded really tired. he was telling me about bradford and how he is kind of a lazy operator. he was telling me about carter and how he was all dressed up like an officer today because he was acting in it and that it was funny. i asked about Christina (the girl dp that once seemed threatening to him because they kicked doug off a shoot and gave it to her. i guess he is over that now.) anyway, he said it is going well because he flirts with her. well, not flirts but teases her. over the radio with 7 guys listening in. hmmmm. like what? his example was that he said, when you get done with that can you let down your hair, shake it out and roar like a lion?

What. the. CRAP??? seriously? not only is that flirting but it's pretty sexist and unprofessional, too. right?? am i in crazytown again?? i mean he must have mis represented how it really came across. but those were his words and i am still reeling.

ok, ok, don't over react. so i was like, whoa doug. that's crossing a line i think. but he was so sure that it wasn't and he was just teasing her in front of everyone and that she was responding to it really well. so i said, ya, you're a cute guy and you're giving her all this attention. and he didn't like that direction so i faked it and flipped around and said, "i trust you and its a good thing she's happy. best case scenario?" whatever. is how he keeps the upper hand with her?? i don't know!

All i can think now is him cracking overly friendly comments to her all day and what kind of guy that makes him look like. And then what a fool i will look like when i show up and everyone has been around for all of this but me. what an idiot. that's what i feel like right now. a big fat idiot.

the crapper is that i accused him of having a crush on Kat, the director of BFF and baby during that shoot. i was super insecure about the fact that they had such a phenomonal working relationship and they were working together ALL day every day for 6 weeks. and shes amazing and she is beautiful and photogenic and funny and original and a good mom to her 3 year old.

it's hard being me, on the outside. getting tiny fragments of what is going on all the time.

so now coming at him and accusing him of overly flirting with this girl was a bit monotonous, i guess.

i come off as the freaking lame, insecure, unattractive wife.

it sucked all the oomph outta me. i was really really excited for my trip and i know i'm over thinking this but it made me feel bad. i want to say to him, if you would say all of these things with me standing right next to you then you're probably ok. but i would have been appalled if he had said that over the radio while i was there. so inappropriate.

i need a therapist. this isn't the stuff for friends so it all stays in my head. And there is no way i can bring it up with him again. how sad.

Yup. tomorrow did hold more crazy.

mainly with the washer repairman. he showed up 1.5 hours late at 6:30 at night. took a look at it and asked if i had cash to pay for it. sure, i could pay for it. Cash he said, can you give me cash right now? or a check? it'll be cheaper than credit card. hmmm. sketchy. Then i realized that i had been trying to coordinate babysitting for tomorrow for the rockettes show. and then i got a call about being in a mormon.org video so i was trying to figure out if i could fit all that in and then if i couldnt i was trying to call around and find someone to take our place. so all of this is going on and i am on phone call after phone call and i realize that i had been telling people on the phone that doug was out of town and that the sketchy cash hungry repairman was right there listening the whole time. so then i started freaking out that he was going to come back to rob us or attack us or something. i was feeling very vulnerable. Mr. Lee the piano teacher was here for the kids music lessons and so after calling doug (really, i should have kicked the guy out when he told me it would be 385 for credit card instead of 300 cash.) but then i would have had to pay him 75 bucks for coming out and another 385 to someone else. other places i called couldn't come until next week and i desperately needed my washer to work.

ANYWAY, so he was working on it and taking a long time and so i asked mr. lee to stay until the guy was finished. he is so nice and agreed. then 7:30 was getting closer and closer and i had to get sophie to soccer practice and the dumb guy wasnt done yet. so i had mr. lee go out and ask when he would finish. a man presence is always good. he mumbled something and finally i just had to go so mr. lee stayed with all three kids while i ran up to the soccer field and back. thankfully, the guy was gone when i returned. i am nervous he will try to use my credit card. anyway, then all of a sudden rachel came over to check on me and then jonathan hale pulled up with caden to check on me. doug had called a bunch of people to come visit so the guy could see that there were plenty of people watching after us. i almost cried after rachel left and jonathan pulled up.

sooooooo crazy. i was up most of the night, unable to sleep. i was really freaked out. our front window was broken and i had nightmares about him breaking in to our house.

next day, owen was going to the bathroom standing up with his backpack on and almost out the door to school. i put simon in the car and came back in and owen told me, "mom, i think i pooped my pants. i farted and a little too much came out." huh?? i told you. crazytown.

thing are much better now, last week was the hardest week ive had in a while, which is saying something cuz i have had a hard time since doug started the features.

then penny woke up with a fever on saturday which meant i couldnt go to the rockettes with sophie. called and changed plans with the babysitter, more coordinating, rachel called and needed me home to watch ezra so they could pick up the car, was at sophie's soccer playoff game with all the kids, which is crazy in itself with all the blankets, shoes, toys, drinks, mini orange peels, etc. oh and then owen was dying to get to Donald's house for a playdate that had been rescheduled twice because of illness

i mean seriously, i could go on and on. the days are always like this. it is exhausting to type it all.

don't want to forgetj

• eiei-o
• sex-wing fighter
• sophie only playing 3 quarters of her championship game because it was delayed and she had to get to the dang rockettes show. 4-0 we won.
• 
  

i tried a thousand ways

to try putting into words a day like today. i'll start with the big crazy stuff. i am starting to believe that i really do live in crazytown. for instance. this morning, i left the door open to the car so penny could do her thing and take her time to come in the house, whatever. then i closed it on the way to owen's holiday program. which was hilarious, by the way. Beachy theme, Little St. Nick by the Beach Boys and featuring the jazz square and a boy girl coreography. very funny.

so i come back from the program an hour later and see something running around inside the car. INSIDE the car. it is a squirrel. a freaking squirrel had been locked in the car for over an hour! So, i go and open the door and the dumb thing just sits there perched on the passenger seat head rest. i open the passenger door and he finally jumps out. i go and inspect the damage, just cringing to think what it might be. didn't ravege the beef jerky or eat the mandarins or any of the crap in the car. nope, he chewed through the speaker on the dashboard and nibbled into the dashboard. that's right, chewed the freaking dashboard. how on earth do I get that fixed.

then i went and got my eyebrows waxed while rachel the babysitter sat with the babies. then penny went to preschool while i blogged in the first quiet/alone hours i've had months.

thre is so much more to this story but i'll have to finish tomorrow. right now it is 3 am and ive been up for 2 hours already. my eyes are hurting and my brain is tired and even though i can't sleep, i have to try. I am sure tomorrow holds more crazy.

so to finish

sophie got up at 6 to finish homework, penny was up at 6 and for about 2 hours she cried at the drop of a hat. I thought...oh no. i am in for it. late nights, early mornings don't go over so well with penny

everything made her sad. she just couldn't be happy. after we took sophie to school, she was sitting in her carseat waiting for me to get simon out and she said, 'mama, penny awake now.' hahaha, if that isnt the truth. it was like her mind was still asleep but her body was awake and it was very tragic combination.

she feel asleep around 11:30 in her carseat when i drove them around. both so tired. she would ask. mama, where you going? id say, not sure. i'm going to drive around for just a little bit until i can figure it out. and that was enough for her. "ok." and then she crashed.

brought both kids into the house, put them in their cribs and was trying to decide if i should take a nap or clean up. so i went back to my room laid down and immediately fell asleep. penny woke up at 1:30 (again really, really sad. nothing to make her happy) and we came out to the family room and i realized that i feel asleep with both car doors open and the front door to the house open wide for and hour and a half. wow, i guess i was tired. haha.

penny says "somp a ding" for something. and she's usually says it when she wants to play on my computer. probably copying me when i say i just need to look up something.

kkky

sometimes i think i'm making this harder than it has to be. this being a single mom to 4 kids. i feel like i'm pouting about it and get stuck in a sour mind frame and that causes the chaos. well, today i decided that NO. that's not it. it really is this hard and this tiring.

There are so many things that happened this morning i almost can't type it. from owen still being sick, trying to get him in the bath, making an dr appt for him, calling the ins company to see if we have coverage (our cards had expired) to penny dumping salt all over the table, simon pulling penny's hair. jason adair called and i took it and gave up on the day. that was at 10am. we chatted for a while and i looked at my watch and had to run to get everyone to the doctor in time. we saw the dr, got back in the car and i realized i was an hour earlier than they had told me. got mcdonalds. took owen back to school. his cough is still kinda bad but he had missed 2 days already, i figured i had to get him back.

(now i am writing the next day)

so owen had his team party at 6:30 and sophie's holiday concert was at 7:00. i only had a babysitter from 6-7 and nothing, NOTHING was working out. so i was talking to jami for her birthday and we figured out that the best solution was to just take the babies with me to pick up owen from scouts, go to the party, stay for a half hour and then get to sophie's performance a little late and just have the babies sit on our laps. i had two tickets. perfect. settled.

when i proposed the plan to sophie she freaked out.... dont bring the babies, mom. don't! we only have two tickets. and then her friend called because earlier sophie had told her that she could have one of our "extra" tickets. so sophie and i went round and round trying to think of other babysitters, other plans, to no avail. Doug called to check in and i totally broke down. it's just too hard.

he called whit and heidi and so they came over and stayed with the babies but had to be gone by 8:15 to pick up their christmas tree.

so everything works fine until we get to the party and the team mom tells me that Owen is getting the spirit award! whaat? crap. we can't leave now! how awesome, he got the spirit award! crap. what am i going to do?? so we stayed until the awards. was able to leave by 7:45. got to the school just as the madrigals (i saw their black dresses were leaving the stage) were ending and just in time for intermission. so owen and i waited and waited...looking at my watch the whole time. i could see by the program that sophie was going to be in the next 2 or 3 numbers and then girls in green and white started lining up. but they took too long and i had to leave at 8:12 to get back home. i missed it all.

so, i felt so bad, after whit and heidi left, i threw all the kids in the car and ran to Vons and got the girls flowers. came home tied them up all pretty. by 9:15 the babies were still awake, i was back in the bathroom and sophie was home. robin had dropped her off and took off before i could get out to the door to give her the flowers. so, i presented 20 dollars worth of flowers to sophie (crap!!) and then listened as a disappointed looking sophie told me all about how robin was super controlling and ordering her around all night. she didn't look like she had a lot of fun. i tried to cover up that i didn't actually see any of the performance but she was asking to many questions. it became obvious. so i had to break the news. she took it pretty well. i finally got everyone to bed at 9:45. stayed up until 1:30 doing tracy anderson webisodes on you tube and watching glee, raising hope and running wilde. i was also trying to make a game plan for christmas.

Things ive noticed

penny and simon on a walk.. penny will stay on the sidewalk. simon cruises into every yard on the block. tromping around discovering. always have to bring him back to the sidewalk (no striaght and narrow metaphor, please.)

Penny likes things all better and perfect. she really tries (maybe a little too quickly) to make things "all better". she hurried to give a pink electric toothbruch back to simon this morning so he'd stop crying and said. simon all better, mommy!

just as i typed that last sentence, she grabbed it back away and made him cry

saturday

the day we did nothing, and loved it. cancelled everything. the kids hadn't even been out of the house until i took them for a walk this evening. the babies, that is. the big kids haven't stepped one foot. my theory is we rest all weekend, hibernate through sunday and hopefully we will be healthy and ready for a new week. so the christmas music has been playing and we have been watching movies. sophie was going crazy until she found a Harry Potter Marathon on ABC family. she's been in my bed or hours!

got a christmas card from the puente's. she has started a blog about parenting. it's so great. at first i got a little down and then, right then and there, i decided on my new years resolution:

No jealousy. be truly happy for others. i have been so so blessed. No comparing.

today

today, trumps all other days in the difficulty spectrum. dont even know if that makes sense, but last night, i foolishly did a little tracy anderson work out while watching thursday night tv. that turned into wed and even tues night tv and i finally went to bed around 2. by 3 simon was up and wanting a bottle. i gave it to him and came back to bed and sophie was all shakey and fevery. she was pretty needy, understandably. up and down for medication, drinks of water, lip balm and then penny woke up with another pee pee accident. she had one while i was still up and another just as i got back to sleep with sophie. changed her, laid by her, came back to my bed and owen came in from where he fell asleep in the living room. he was shakey and fevery too. he laid by me in the bed, penny came in and all of them, except simon were sick and piled up on me. penny then woke up at 6:15 and so the morning began. nobody has gone to school, i called the cleaners, they came this morning and cleaned our filthy germ infested house. i am angry. we have a lot of plans that we will have to cancel. owen's last soccer practice and game. ( i really felt it was important that he finish out the season.) a playdate with donald that he has been waiting for forever... and had to cancel the last time because he got the flu. both basketball and soccer for sophie. i hate that we cant play with rachels kids, we are supposed to go see temple lights with everyone on sunday. who knows if we can even do that. i am nervous to venture out too quickly for fear we will infect everyone we meet, just like last time. penny has a birthday party on saturday, which i normally wouldnt care about, but it's layla's party and i'd really like to get to know her mom better. i cant say that about many of the other moms in there. plus, we havent' been to maggy haves in a month, it seems. i texted doug about it this morning and he made a joke about adam coming to stay on our couch and help with the kids in the night. i took him seriously ( because that's exactly where i am right now) and then felt like angry for giving a serious answer to his joke. not his fault, he' s far away. it's hard to take a temperature over text. made me mad anyway.

upside: house is clean, we can go find christmas boxes, i guess. washer is still broken, need to call jimmy back. laundry is piling up.

the days are going so slowly. cant wait to go to new york. having everyone home reaffirms that i need some space.

yesterday was hard. i had a big headache (probably from caffeine withdrawls) the babies are both super snotty and stuffy, sophie got sick and then owen had 3 friends come home from school to play today. i love that he has friends coming to our house so i don't want to kaibosh it, but it was a little much. or a lot. plus, our disposal broke, the washer is showing a sign that reads. blocked pump or suds, penny pulled down the shades in her room too much and broke those and then everytime i leave the room simon climbs up on the kid table in the living room and nearly falls to his death. like i said, yesterday was hard. i texted with doug and carter and that lifted my spirits a bit. was able to talk to doug last night all about the show and got some good details and stories. that helps too. but he had to jump off the phone when we started talking about me and my day and then he never called back. sophie has been shivery and sick all night, penny woke up at 4, simon at 5, sophie was awake at 4 and kept talking to me. didn't get to sleep much. i feel ok this morning, though. headache is gone. called jimmy the plumber to fix my broken things and ive been toying with the idea of hiring the cleaners on friday. that always makes me happy.

so now, today

there was a ton of meyhem with my trip to New York. I realized that the kids are out of school and that maya's baptism is on the 18 so mom and dad couldnt come down and watch the kids anyway. so then i decided to check out flights from vegas on virgin america. turns out there are really cheap flights with 3 full days in new york for super super cheap. but i had already bought my other ticket. so now i have spent a total of 700 dollars getting there and i am feeling really really guilty. we have no money. i am seriously interested in cutting back all spending. i spent so much on fixing up the house, just when i should have been spending nothing at all. i did the opposite. i am so happy and content with the house now that it is hard to begrudge it but i hate all that debt sitting out there. ugh... the burtons are coming to new york which is so awesome and perfect except for the fact that they have money and they totally know how to blow it out. we've been talking all day about how were going to blow it out in new york and i feel like i have been lying to myself or pretending with her. blah......... cant get a good read from doug, he is busy. i am sure he hates me spending more money. i miss him. it is only day 3.

Book of Mormon Video

Tonight we reshot our Book of Mormon video. we shot it on Saturday but, sadly, i shot it vertically on my iphone and it was all stretched out and wierd in imovie. So, we got to do it again. and ya know, i'm kinda glad we did. it was a little flippant and this one feels more reverent, but funny with the babies being themselves.

we did enos. i was outside shooting the little ones and waiting for sophie and owen when sophie came out and told me that she thought she had started her period. i hugged her and we talked a little bit about it. i went and got her some pads today and dropped them off at school. i need to make sure and take some time to answer questions or see how she's feeling. her friends at school are really supportive and they talk a lot about this it seems. just want to make sure she knows i am here for her. life is pretty chaotic and i dont want this to get lost in the shuffle of things.

No words can express how much i hate putting penny to bed at night.

thanksgiving

could not have been any better. seriously. kelly and her family came in tuesday night and went to disneyland wednesday. carter and erin showed up wednesday afternoon, grandma and grandpa wednesday night.

Rachel and brandon are in toronto, he is shooting a pilot so their house is vacant, so carter and erin and their family and mom and dad slept over their and all weekend we all went back and forth, back and forth. it was total perfection. food was good, the house looked great. finally got it all finished.

doug and i saw The Last Three Days last night with russell crowe and elizabeth banks. it was a crazy movie. we went to kuru kuru sushi and then down to the hollywood arclight.

i was pretty moody. didn't talk much. doug and i were kind of a misfire while he was home this weekend. i felt like while he was gone, i was able to grow and when he comes home, i end up trailing him like a puppy, not able to make any decisions until i ask him. he bully's his opinion onto everyone, especially me. i told him this and i think it sent him introspective. he feels like he is failing at at every corner of his life. concerns about the last feature (BFF and Baby), concerns about the next feature (Maladies)

this morning, penny had her dolls out in the hallway and sophie walked by and stepped on one of the dolls. Penny got so mad, "sophie, you stepped on my doll! you go to time out!" she took sophie by the hand, marched her into my room and closed the door. "time out, sophie." and didn't let her out until finally i said we needed to get to school.

Simon was playing in his crib and started saying, "look, look." i looked over and he was holding a starwars guy out so i could see. "look."

He said it again in the car today. so cute!

penny just dressed herself and she told me she was getting ready for a party. she has a skirt, with a tank top dress over it. both very clashy patterns, of course. with her running shoes on the wrong feet. going to a party.

oh, was was the other funny thing she said. it was about the cleaners that came yesterday. Mom, they cleaning my bathroom!, they cleaning my kitchen!.

doug is coming home today. very excited. very tired.

today

Today.

simon had an acid poop. his bum was so so red.

penny was amazing at potty training today. we were at ikea and she told me she had to go pee pee and she held it until we got to the front of the store.

Sophie taught Owen the word brain fart, which made him practically shoot top ramen out of his nose.

Sophie and I raced across the field after basketball practice and i was feeling so fast. she was like, i'm jogging. i was like, oh right. and then she was like, watch me. and then she put on the gas and absoluely schooled me. she was SOOOO fast. crazy fast.

simon is such a good boy. he walked around and kept himself busy all afternoon. he woke up 2xs last night and i brought him in to the bed with me and i slept with him all snuggled up to me for a few hours. i was heaven. i love his breath right in my face. baby breath doesn't last long so i am enjoying it now.

oh, before we went out to run our errands this morning, penny decided to pack her back pack with snacks. she went to the fridge and got ranch dressing, balsamic viniagrette and caramel sauce and put each one in her backpack. "i got snacks, mom!" she yelled on her way to the car.

its 10:30 and all i want to do is have everyone in bed so i can clean or sleep or whatever. sophie still has a test to study for, owen is too afraid to do anything by himself: brush teeth, lay down in a bed walk in the hallway. and then penny slept from 3:30-6:30 so there is no way she is going down

everyone except grandma and grandpa come in tomorrow night. hope i will be ready, i feel almost there.

today is the 5 year anniversary of when doug's dad passed away. poor rolyne. i really hope i get doug longer than doug's mom had his dad. i know there is a purpose/place/time for everything but i do hope we get to be old together.

Tonight penny made herself a jam sandwich. i heard owen making himself a pb and j and assumed he made one for penny as well.

i said, thanks for making penny a sandwich, owen!

I didn't make that, mom.

Penny said, "penny made it. penny do it, mom!"

she climbed a stool and spread jam on both sides and put it together. then she came into the family room, found my computer and decided to use it as a plate.

hmmm.

i was very impressed.

what i am good at

feeling partiularly down today. trying to get ready for thanksgiving and struggling not to succomb to self loathing. that sounds dramatic but i feel depressed about who i am sometimes. if i could change one thing about me it would be organization. what i wouldn't give to be organized. i don't know why i'm not but every room i walk in makes me feel defeated. like i have dead limbs.

so i am trying to focus on the positive.

What i am good at:

1.

crap. not even one? ah, suck it.

Couldn't find my keys this morning. Pulled carseats into dougs car. In the way to Owens school penny had to have her blanket, her purse full of blocks and her phone. She had to for back in for the play phone. Then we sat in front of the house for a minute and she got her purse and phone and sat in the front seat pretending to talk to daddy on her cell phone. Mini mama.

Tonight just ended badly. Talked to doug for an hour and then the kids came in. Itit was time for them To go to sleep but they didn't want to get out of my bed. And then i found all these messes and it just makes me so mad! Sophie huffed off to nbed after I told her I didnt want her left over folder trash that she just cleaned out left all over my floor. Ugh!

Journal for Doug

This morning Doug flew to New York. I think he is coming home for Thanksgiving, but for all intents and purposes, he is on the next feature
From now until christmas. And then a few days after as well. The last feature ended and the re-entry was difficult. more difficult than either of us anticipated. anyway, as of this morning i am flying solo.

I really want to keep a journal of what happens when Doug is gone. i will try to do it everyday. He misses out on so much already, maybe this will fill in some gaps.

i was a little mopey today -- i usually am the first day he travels.

Penny played in the playroom for much of simons nap so i could rest, text jessica and just zone out. Then she pooped in her underwear. (the underwear we bought at target today. hello kitty kat and rainbow...her picks. but now we have tons of underwear all over the house.) so she called me and we ran to the bathroom where a big steamy mushy poop fell out of her underwear and on to the bathroom floor. awesome. luckily i had just bought some flushable wipes so the clean up wasnt too bad.

Owen complained about doing anything that wasnt TV, Video games or playdates. Really feeling the need to start the ticket system.

trying not to employ retail therapy while he is gone. putting my focus on exercise instead. not as much fun as laying in a bed following link after awesome link of stuff to buy. that is one of my favorite things. alas, we really REALLY don't have any money so i've got to resist. not sure how to pull off thanksgiving for 25 people without spending, but whatever.

today was just hard

tonight i ended up screaming at everyone. penny especially because she hurts everyone. simon all day long, of course, and then tonight Owen screamed so loudly because she bit him that i kinda got mad at him too. why does he have to scream so LOUD!!! so i came over and grabbed her and screamed, you have to stop!! penny, just stop!! and she started crying and i was slamming doors and saying no one gets to watch TV (charlie brown and the great pumpkin) and really hoping the neighbors couldnt here. i'm just done. so so done.

then we all made up and i said if they clean up the living room, they can watch the show. so they did. then owen hurt his foot in the kitchen and was crying so i went into help him, then i hear banging in the living room so i go in there and penny was smashing the corner of one of their blocks (that we had just cleaned up) into the body of doug's guitar that is hanging on the wall. simon was banging a block too but he is too short to reach any instruments so it was going straight into the wall. and now there are three huge dents or pocks. he is going to freak out. so then i can't stop thinking about how much he is going to freak out and now i am mad at him for being mad at me for letting it happen, yet after 5 freaking weeks alone (!!!!!) how DARE he even breathe even an ounce of criticism.

why are we doing this? Doug is miserable, I am miserable, we are making NO money. seriously, what do we want in our future. features? does that really mean a life without doug? what are we doing?

things i dont want to forget

• simon saying, 'my mama'
• penny pooping on the toilet. the training begins.
• owen loving comics. need to go to the library tomorrow. it fuels drawing in him. must nurture.
• sophie telling me that her friend kimi's mom is a lesbian. she said, i don't want you to be all judgie but kimi's mom is a lesbian. her name is stormy. i said, sophie, i wont be judgie. weve talked a lot about this and that its not ok for us. specifically you. but people are going to do what they're going to do and i'm sure she's really nice. stormy the lesbian. she said, ok, but can you not call her 'stormy the lesbian?"
• owen threw up at school today. i got so sick yesterday then sophie last night and owen today. babies are ok for whatever reason. at one point around 8:30, i was so sick and laying in my bed, sophie was in the bathroom throwing up, penny had just burned her fingers on a lamp and was wailing on my chest and simon was screaming at the top of his lungs in his crib. he wasn't quite ready to go to sleep but i NEEDED him to go to sleep. at that moment, owen came up and said, mom...i have a joke for you. then he looked around at all the chaos and said, "is now not a good time?"
• it's 4 am and i cant go to sleep. just thinking and thinking and thinking.
• how can i be a better mom, a better person. how do i get my kids really good at something. excel in something, specifically music??? i want them to be good at an instrument so badly and can't seem to get over that hump no matter how much money i spend. need help.
• mendi had a hysterectomy last week after delivering her 4th baby. i am sad for her.
• dougs feature is almost wrapped. we need money. feeling nervous.

is greg heffley (from Diary of a Wimpy Kid) LDS?

Owen and i discussed this topic for about 20 minutes. he has some pretty solid arguments. very funny.

#1 it says he goes to church

#2 He says Oh my GoSH instead of the other one.

#3 He prays

i love this kid. characters in books, movies, comics are so real to him. all the time he will ask me if i believe in george and harold. (characters in a book that write super diaper baby) haha

just now he described in lenghthy detail (without calling it by name) flag football. "these long strings hanging from the back...it doesn't hurt when they pull it, i promise."

today, owen got up to put in a movie and said, "ill do the honors."

haha, so funny.

i had simon dressed up in a light blue button up and some tan cords for church and his hair is long and a little shaggy. he reminded me so much of chris farley from tommy boy. i couldnt get it out of my head. too cute!

penny is alternately so cute and so evil. she calls everyone and everything stupid. when shes mad at anything or even a little bit miffed or i say no, or take the gumballs away (awesome green, purple and orange for halloween) she freaks out and says stupid mommy!!

Im not doing so well right now. i hate our living room and i just took the round table out of the house and put chairs there. i kinda hate that too. its not comfortable, not one single section of this house is comfortable. after meeting kat and her cool pad full of thrift store finds, doug flips and says we should look for more of that kind of thing. he had been trying to create a museum (a la flippin aaron ruell)

now im left with a house that no one can hang out in, no kids can play in. just gets messy. I HATE IT!

what do i do? seriously, what do i do???

Yesterday, Owen came out from the bath looking for a towel. he was covering his front and back parts with his hands, one in front, one in back. when i was like, "Owen, what are you doing? go get a towel." He said, im covering my private parts {barely}. the crack is the most inappropriate part of the butt."

i need to stop spending money. i'm spending money we do NOT have. so much in taxes, so much in debt, so much to pay every month!!! what am i doing??? it's being skinny now and not looking cute for 2 years. ive seriously got a problem. and i can't decide if it feels like more because of all the buying and taking back or if it's just more more more!!! its like i'm trying to be something were not. wealthy. dangerous! if i take back the home goods stuff and i send back the dresses. i could even take back a bracelet for the wedding it would more than cover the cost of the boots. sophie is going to die. i buy so much stuff and then make a big deal whenever she wants something. maybe if i let her wear my uggs she will feel ok.

penny is crying like crazy in her crib right now. i don't know why its so hard for her to go to sleep. i wish she would just stop. doug knows how to put her down without any crying going on. tonight i make a fatal mistake. i gave her a bottle with water in it. now nothing less will do. not juice or milk in a cup

just asked owen if he still like his teacher. his response, " well, she's still nice even if she does get a little furious sometimes." at least he doesn't have mrs. clark, caden's teacher. (he wanted me to include that in my journal)

I just bought him some star wars toys on craigslist. awesome awesome ships and guys with light sabers, etc. he loves them. oh owen. i could go on about all my kids. i worry about owen the most right now. he's in the middle and gets lost sometimes.

There has been...

a lot going on the past few weeks. I am struggling to keep the babies alive, meaning just about every second of the day i am pulling them off each other. simon is starting to fight back now or instigate fights on his own by bonking penny on the head in the tub or pulling her hair.

i am feeling the need so strongly to get organized and set up with the right tools in this house. of course this is perfectly terrible timing as doug is going into his first low budget feature this month and then straight onto maladies in nov/december. crazy. if i keep going i will spend all the money that we have. i know i can do it... i feel like ive done it before.

i want to feel like a grown up with nice things, instead of the junk i normally buy. my poor kids. it's so sad that i don't know how to do so many domestic things. decorate, cook, clean, laundry. its super sad.

owen hit his head on the curb yesterday. he fell off his scooter and crashed. came in all dizzy and with a goose egg on his forehead.

sophie is busy, busy as usual. choir, young women, volley ball, soccer, dance ensamble, voice ensamble... she is going for best personality at school for the 8th grade bests.

simon is saying Yes and NO and hello and whoa and yay, dad (with claps after we sing any song)

Penny is penny. feisty and adorable.

whats been happening

i know ill regret not writing in this journal more. so many things are going on with the kids and i can barely remember them even now as i sit down to write, let alone in 20 years.

sophie is looking like a teenAGER these days. i went to pick her up from robins house this afternoon and she was in the backyard on this high platform ledge of the hot tub dancing to high school musical. which isnt necessarily bad but there were roofers right there, a young one and an old one and it was weird. i think she was looking for the attention. good kid, though. went to volleyball camp this summer and had a great time with miranda from northern california. she is laurie malawanags niece and was the perfect roommate. today was the second day of 8th grade for her. 8th GRADE! shes playing soccer and volleyball at the same time. Hoping her grades dont suffer. its going to be a wild semester with soccer (x2) volleyball, YW, cub scouts, guitar, maggy haves. phew.

owen is playing soccer this year. today was his first practice and the boys were running circles around him. it was kinda hard to watch. he was high five-ing at weird times and dancing around the ball like he was afraid of it. i took the little kids up to the swings for the last half hour and when i came back he just wanted to keep practicing and kept talking about building his strength up. he ran up and down the hill (a steep one) 3 times on the way to the car. he told me at dinner that he wanted to go on a diet to help him get stronger and eat more fruits, etc. i think he really wants to be like the other boys and that is a big factor for him. i asked him at dinner what the coach said to him and he said the coach told him he needed to build up his strength so he could kick the ball farther. I hope beyond hope that this will be a good experience for him. it seems like just the thing weve been needing but if the boys start being mean it could go south really quick. oh boy. hes also in a 3/4 split class this year. seems to like it. i think he was bored last year and would get in trouble a lot. he needs to be challenged. mr lee is coming on thursday to start guitar with him. hope that works as well.

bought a vita mix today. actuallly doug did. 400 bucks at costco. we will see what we can do with that puppy.

penny. ooooooohhhhhhh, penny. right now penny hates going to bed and taking naps. she hates it. cries a lot, likes the door open, i took away the bottle after she threw up twice last week. no other symptoms, just too much milk. i had a goal for her to be able to sit and listen to stories and weve been working on that. she is sitting for longer and listening to the 'ladybug girl' now. shes so cute and crazy but much more patient with simon who is getting a lot more aggressive with her. they fight back and forth a lot, its SO comical. she's also talking a lot more. she says hubba, hubba, which is funny. and so much more that i cant even remember right now.

And my simon, oh my blue eyed boy. hes walking all over now. likes to play with cars. likes to go outside and wander around, likes balls, points to things as we read stories. says hello and today in the car i swear he was copying a song we listened to. the banana splits, tra la la, lalala la, la la la la, etc. i think he was saying it! i'm also trying to teach him ball. he's almost 1. still need to take his 11 month picture. don't quite know what to do for his bday. oh i almost forgot... he LOOOOOOVES to dance. will rock back and forth like a crazy man. its awesome. he claps after the songs in sacrament meeting, waves his arm like hes leading the music. seems very musical. he also nods his head BIG when we ask him questions.

we read scriptures tonight, it felt so good. we are going to memorize a scripture this week. need more spirit in our house.

goals.

sophie:

owen:

penny

simon

Oh the things that are happening

Oh my baby simon. you started walking about 5 days ago. maybe Aug 2nd? just at 11 months. you're toddling more and more everyday. your so jolly. so so jolly. you're nodding your head so big when i'm asking you questions. Simon, are you done eating? and you're head bobs big and exaggerated.

You love to dance. anytime there is music on or i'm singing a song you sway back and forth or bob your head. you love to shake it. so cute. it's so so cute. so deliberate. you're happy and you love it.

And then today at church. aunt jami and her family were visiting and we were sitting in relief society and you opened a play phone and said, Hello? i think that is your first word... hello. and then you said it after church a bunch of times and waved along with it.

Simon has started nodding his head "yes" whenever i ask him a question. It's the cutest thing. very exaggerated and it makes him happy. he also waves with closed fingers

Penny = hilarious. take charge girl. doesn't want to sleep in her crib anymore. gigi's bed or mama's bed. tons of new words and phrases.

owen took apple camp this week. he had to make a movie and they taught him how to edit it in imovie. it's a free camp, we bought him an iflip video camera. it was hilarious. doug is at the presentation now. 4 kids showing their movies and i got a one word text to describe it. painful.

sophie is at girls camp this week. doug went up to testimony meeting last night and he said it was so cute. all the girls were crying and it had just started. sophie came up to him afterward and had tONS of tissues from crying. so cute.

fourth of july

today was owen's first day fasting. he was so hungry. so so hungry. we said a prayer to help him, we came up with a reason to fast. all was in order. during testimony meeting, he bore his testimony and said that heavenly father helps us when we have troubles. it was perfect. he never looks nervous just self assured and confident.

by the end of church we saw that his class was given cookies. COOKIES on fast sunday. whatever. so i had a bite. i always finish a fast after church, sophie breaks her fast with a prayer. when we saw owen down on the gate i assumed he had dug right into those cookies. Sophie asked if he broke his fast. he said, No! we found out he thought that meant eating when he wasn't supposed to. so cute. then i asked if he had already eaten some and he said, no and that he thought we weren't eating until dinner. so there he was, making sure he was keeping the rules, doing it right. we said a prayer to break our fasts in the car on the way home. he was so excited that he got to eat right after church. good, owen . good good boy.

Then we went to the chris and jan's house for fireworks. we walked down to CBS and Simon was just in awe of the fireworks. he sat very still watching the show. would coo at the pops and crackles but not afraid. really seemed to like it. at one point i gave him to doug and he was craning his neck to see the show. love that boy.

Sophie and willa are so funny. she changed her outfit a bunch of times before we went over there, making sure she had red, white and blue. then she went and found red white and blue outfits for everybody and was trying to get us all to change in to them. she's so cool.

and penny. miss pie. she enjoyed the fireworks a little. she put her two bitty fingers into her ears and would say. "loud!, loud mama!!" she was very cute and chris and jans afterward. playing with baby dolls, waving at chris with teeny fingers, talking all cute. it was a good day.

thoughts.

wsimon

• we call him the wrecker. he has a fast and accurate swipe and he's strong, too.
• is 10 months old now.
• copying my babble.
• walked 9 steps on july 1.
• still so happy all the time.
• we're watching a dog this weekend (woofie) and simon got nipped at cuz he was grabbing at his face and hair. not good.
• was playing around with a small white laundry basket today. so intrigued by everything.
• copies patty cake. almost to throw to the birdies.

other junk

• i got problems. what to do about doug. he doesn't get it. doesn't quite understand how intense and exhausting life is for me right now.
• makes me wanna push him away and say "fine. you take care of you and i'll do what i need to take care of me. if i wait for you, its never gonna come."
• i know thats not the right answer, but talking doesn't get us anywhere.
• he went to see cyrus last night. (after being gone most of the day for work. left at6:30 for an 8:05 movie, got home at 1:30, stayed up until 3, got up a 7:00 for a soccer game with Adam Johnson. got sick at the bbq today. oh that's right, he did take the kids all day without me, but it was the first in a really really long time and when he got home he plopped all the bags down and went into his office to read. i never get to do that. ever. ever. never. ever

summer to-do

found on cupcakes and cashmere, adapt for me.

1. Attend an outdoor concert
2. Make homemade ice cream with fresh fruit
3. Create a playlist of songs I’m listening to this summer
4. Take walks {bike rides} after dinner at least three times a week
5. Make time to meet up with girlfriends for Sunday brunch
6. Sneak into a fancy hotel pool
7. Visit Stinson Beach (my favorite spot in Northern California)
8. Attend some sort of food festival
9. Donate the summer clothes that I don’t end up wearing
10. Master my own signature cocktail

journal orgainzation

Monday: sophie

Tuesday:Owen

Wednesday: Penny

Thursday: Simon

Friday: personal/family/whatever

stories of Owen

he got some rollerblades today at a yard sale up the street. they were 5 bucks. he came home, put them on and tried to roll around. he asked me for help so i was swinging him around by the hands to give him momentum in the back yard. well, it's all bumpy and rocky and the two of us took a tumble! it actually really hurt my feet. so bad. he got bumped in the lip. after he came in and wrapped in a blanket with his blades sticking out the end. got better at it when he went out in front of the house. he had me video it and send it to doug on the iphone. doug is in palm springs with james franco and vince jolivette. anyway, he kept them on most of hte day, even during chores. he clamored around the house all afternoon. every once in a while we'd hear a big crash and then, "i'm ok!"

Second story, we were visiting adam and mequell in AZ last week. mequell made some BBQ chicken with a rub on the outside. had cayenne and a bunch of other spices rubbed all over it. Owen, who counts chicken as a go-to item for him, took a big ole bite. when i saw him he was standing at the garbage, gagging and spitting and scraping his tongue with his fingers and spitting. he looked up at me and said with the most sincere look, "that chicken is disGUSting. fortunately, mequell had her back turned. i was laughing but didn't want to make a big deal about it.

back from our trip

the road trip with just me and the kids. so nice and crazy. penny and simon were crazy! simon is crawling all over now and they both seemed really clingy and high maintenance. whoa. but the big kids had such a wonderful time with all the cousins. really wonderful.

baptism

Owen's sweet baptism. such a wonderful day. sophie gave a talk on baptism(she wrote it herself) and grandpa charlie, who was so so sick, gave the talk on the holy ghost.

Owen didn't seem nervous at all during the hours leading up to it. he was happy and confident and excited. he didn't like the white outfits. sophie told him that he looked like a giant marshmallow that got flattened by a car.

throughout the morning he'd say, "it's my baptism today, i 'm sooooo excited!"

doug did a wonderful job and gave him a wonderful blessing after confirming him a member and giving him the gift of the holy ghost. it was such a happy experience.

there were lots of people.

the kekauoha's were here, the schoenis, the mccoys, the kasparians, hales, johnsons (both bart and wes families)

crazy thoughts

what if i'm pregnant. i'm so so so scared that i'm pregnant. doug is pretty sure were not, but what if. what if. i will be so sad. is that horrible? i feel like we will have to move and shift dougs career.

what not to do.

A few weeks ago we went to 'Flight of the Conchords' at the hollywood bowl with some friends. it was a great, great concert. listeThis is the director that turned 40 in Palm Springs. Doug is good friends with

New List:

costco

macy's for shoes/belt+ face cream?

Simon 9 months

i have a big zit today. i had it yesterday and sophie was so embarrassed by it she asked me to leave the YW swim party last night.

Simon is so cute right now. and active. he hates sitting anywhere that buckles him down. he likes to move. he is pulling every book out of the bookshelf right now. he likes to bite everything too. including me....ouch! loves playing in toilet water, unrolling toilet paper, eating rocks and dirt outside, eating popcorn kernels, left over food under the table inside. he always has something in his mouth. I think he's going to be athletic. he has such good aim on my spoon with baby food he'll smack it nearly everytime. he can even anticipate it, it seems. he's starting to give penny a little of her own medicine. smacks her on her head or pulls hair. all just curiosity, i'm sure but she takes it very personally

He's starting to give kisses and do throw it to the birdies. and yesterday he pushed penny in her little blue push cart from ikea. he's trying to walk. he's getting more hair and is still so very smiley.

he's still waking up 2x's a night. i'm kinda sick of that part. he laughs and love to play. loves, loves to play. he has a few new sounds lately. whoa,

list for owen's baptism

schedule to brother carpenter
deborah.carpenter5@gmail.com


Opening Song: I Am A Child of God
Opening Prayer: Terrie Buck

Talk on Baptism: Sophie Chamberlain
Talk on Holy Ghost: Charlie Buck

Musical Number by: Sophie Chamberlain, Melissa Udall, Jennifer Udall

Baptism of Owen Adams Chamberlain
Confirmation of Owen Adams Chamberlain
Welcome to the ward: Bishop Udall

Closing Song: I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ
Closing Prayer: Rolyne Chamberlain



plan out food: Hot Dogs, Watermelon, Mini Cupcakes, Drinks, chips
design and print signs
clear garage for photos


shop for food

hale's 4
johnson's 5
kekauoha's 4
oxcidines 4
mccoys 4
malawanag's 3
udall's 5
schoeni's 3
Chamberlains 5
mom and dad 2
gma c 1
johnson, wes 4

Total 45ish

Thursday:
Buy owen church shoes, belt shirt and tie.
Figure out musical number
5:00 meet with bishop at church
get owen's haircut


Friday:
make mini cup cakes
buy food


Saturday:
Pick up grandma
go to camp kickoff
baptism at 4

penny the particular

had a freak out today when sophie and i wanted to wear one of each shoe. freak out.

also, the

palm springs

I'm sitting in our bungalow. it's after dinner on the second night of our little vacation. the big double doors are opened wide on the left side of the bed and i can see the movie 'being there' playing on the wall outside our room off to the left. there are two big yoga platforms in front of the movie covered in moroccan pillows for everyone to lay on but no one is there. no one is watching the movie. everyone is gathered by the fire pit out the other side of our room. I can hear their bursts of laughter. part of me wants to be there and part of me doesn't

So, i turned in early, same as last night, for a couple of different reasons.

1. i came here to sleep - last night i went down at 10 and except for a few interruptions {Doug and pumping} i slept all night. i took a nap this morning, it was heavenly. after we got up at 7:30 we went for a bike ride around town. palm springs is a teeny town with one main drag and that's about it. when we came back, we had breakfast {banana pancakes} and then came back to the room and slept for another two hours. it's now 10:42 and i want to get to sleep.

2. everyone is so drunk and high right now. drinks before dinner, wine at dinner and pot lemonade by the fire sorta makes everyone crazy. russ was going to smoke pot once everyone was stoned enough after the lemonade. so weird.

i have a hard time integrating into the conversation. i feel weird. Also, I'm the only one who didn't really know russ and constance prior to this trip. everyone else has their crowd here. And despite the fact that they're wasted right now, individually they are very smart, interesting people. i'm definitely the most boring one here. definitely not feeling smart enough to contribute. hate that. there's a girl here that is developing a kids show. she's really interesting and smart. she knows bed gibbard. i had this awkward moment with her about him. she was talking to her two year old who is 6 days younger than penny and speaking lightyears ahead. anyway, she was asking her daughter if she remembered ben and zooey, (death cab for cutie was playing on the ipod.) and how they went to their house and zooey (who i thought was ben gibbards daughter) was showing their baby girl the ballet shoes and the bar, etc. so, i ask how old his daughter is. she gives me a weird look. so i ask again. how old is his daughter that is showing your little girl all the ballet stuff. "Oh, his wife...Zooey deschenel." Ah, of course. zooey deschenel. why not.

then busy phillips came today. she's really cute, we've actually had some good conversations at the pool and then tonight at dinner. she was sitting right across from us and we chatted about TV shows and babies and it was great. we talked about weddings and after i told her that I got married when i was 19 she told me that we should renew our vows and that she was going to plan it for us. she's super cute. it was going to be on may 5 next year with taco trucks and

all my wardrobe planning paid off. spent too much money but kinda glad i did. All in all it's been really nice.

want to try and be smarter have better conversations with doug. want to write more. also, ready to get home to the babies. love them and miss them a lot.

why mothers day sucks.

Yesterday, i went to church and one of my favorite moms was huffing and puffing at her kids and kids were mad at her. it was funny. that may sound mean but it was funny because i'd had the same sort of morning.

Then we go sit down and i see my good friend whose husband is the other counselor in the bishopric on the stand to speak. her husband had forgotten to assign talks she stepped up at the last minute. ON mothers day!

the bishops wife ended up being in charge of the 'mother's day' gifts for the ladies in the ward. she was not happy about that.

the primary children sang a song that started with something like....your words so gentle and kind. I was almost giggling out loud at the irony.

We had a busy week. A hectic celebration week, you know.

We had fun

We also had some bad news.

All i wanted was a nap and good mexican food.

Mexican food was too spicy for kids had chicken nuggets and tater tots instead. No lie. it was hilarious.

everyone got sick {cept Owen}

Doug got really sick with a fever on saturday which means i didn't get a nap or the mexican food. I think he planned it.

We ended up decluttering the house yesterday just to keep my sanity.

the kids made chocolate covered strawberries though. they were amazing. sophie also wrote me a poem. i love sophies poems.

In short. mothers day sucks. i don't really like it at all.

woke from a dream

last night. i felt the spirit telling me to Pray More. Pray more. went to conference this morning and felt the message is pray more. i will pray more.

I need to get control of my house and my kids and not let the kids and house control me.

I'm kinda bugged

This summer i wanted to get a playgound system for the back yard. something the kids could play on that isn't the tramp. so i mentioned it when beth and rachel were over one day. i know i have a complex about not having toys to play with when friends come over. doug doesn't get it. but you need toys to play with, a yard only just doesn't do it. anyway, today brandon said they found a play ground for their back yard. and it's huge and has everything included. probably abnoxious but if they get one i KNOW doug won't get one. buggy. and of course it was on craigslist for 350 but because rachel wrote their sob story and the lady just LOOOVED her so they got it for half price or something. whatever.

more about simon

so he's crawling all over and pulling up on everything. it's so cute but it so frustrating because he falls all over the place, too. his feet don't work (walk) but his upper body is so strong. any way, it's adorable.

last night he started crying around 12:30. i was up watching tons of TV. Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, Ugly Betty, the middle, cougartown. i told you it was a ton. anyway, i was still awake when he started crying. i decided i was going to let him cry it out. he got louder and louder and wasn't calming down so i went in there and he was standing up holding onto the crib facing the wall in the dark. so sad. i picked him up and his fingers were caught in between the crib rail and the wall. no wonder he was SO sad. so i brought him into bed and nursed him and nuzzled him and he woke up with big bright eyes. doug and i played with him and he was being so funny. we videoed a little and then i was really tired but he was all rested. but all i had to do was take him back into the dark room and he fell asleep. like he knew it was still night and that's what you're supposed to do at night. we had a little party in our bed while everyone else was sleeping. yummy. That's how good this boy is. so unbelievable good natured and smiley.

simon is clapping today

and spitting raspberries. so cute. we've been doing patty cake and he's clapping. this little one is reminding me of sophie.

Went to see 'letters to god' tonight with robyn. She starred in the movie and it was so so sad. about a boy who dies of cancer. got me thinking a lot of how terrible cancer is. horrible, terrible. the things people endure seem too much. i thank heavenly father for my life and my family.

bigger and bigger

3 days ago he pulled up on the crib rail. I left him sitting and when I came back, he was smiling and standing!

don't wanna do anything today. burned out already? weird. just so much stuff. what do i need to do to get a handle on the stuff? actually, it's the clothes that are so difficult now. so many clothes. don't know what to do. feel slow and sleepy, but not exhausted like the last two weeks, more like afraid to put 100% because i know how tired and headachey i was the last two weeks. it was hard and terrible.

Conference

Wonderful Easter sunday with conference. many great talks. many about trials. overwhelmingly about trials. not looking forward to what's ahead. my thoughs this morning: try to find happiness, try to find self-confidence. try to find the good in me.

Simon is nearly legitimately crawling. pulling his upper body up on things, making his bum stick high in the air. trying to pull up. so cute. more teeth, i think 5 now. so happy and giggly. love him, love him, love him.

note to self:

April Conference morning:

Muffins/bagels/juice and fruit.

Then a bike ride,

Then come home for chicken sandwiches on croissants (make chicken salad night before)

Easter Morning:

Family basket; mini eggs, something for everyone, malt ball eggs

Breakfast:

penny likes to mimic everything the baby is doing. if we go crazy with excitement cuz he's crawling around, she gets down low and crawls around and wants her picture taken too.

f

simon started babbling a few days ago. A-da-da-da, a-da-da-da.

So cute, so full of life and happy and because he got rid of the binky, he had to sleep train. i hate it, but he slept all night last night. couldn't believe it. puts himself to sleep with only a blanket next to his face. not sids scary at all. seriously.

i've got to try and help owen.

Funny things owen says

when his friend michael came over yesterday, owen said.

"so, what brings you here?"

When he was at luke house for a bday party, brooke told me that he went into the bathroom and was in there for a long time. when darby came to the door and asked if he was ok, Owen said,

"i don't usually tell people this, but i'm constipated."

today when he was getting paper for me to put into the printer he said,

"in case you mess up, i got a bunch more."

Penny has decided to call sophie, Gigi and she calls owen, "I"

This morning i put her in the johnny jump up and she'd yell, 'gigi, gigi, gigi, gigi,' until sophie said what and then shed say, see! and she'd spin around and around or she'd jump up and down over and over again to sophie's big reactions, of course. so then she'd do it over and over and over again. "gigi gigi gigi gigi"

Finally, sophie said, "show Owen"

Then she went, " i, i, i, i, i, i" until owen said what and then she'd spin or jump to show him.

This went on for at least a half hour. long enough for us to know for sure that when penny says, gigi -- that means sophie. When she says, "I' that means Owen.

i love my babies.

Also, simon got his 4 big teeth in. he also got rid of the binky which means he has to sleep train now. poor dude.

parties

Pennys party was fun. I have to say it was different than i imagined, and i don't know why.

Blah, never mind. it was perfect.

Simon is scooting everywhere. he goes on an off the rugs, turns corners, pulls up on crib rails, toy baskets. He just crawled over to a basket in my room, pulled his upper half up enough to reach in and pull out penny's tutu. SOCute. probably for a week now.

Today was a wierd day

it was busy. very busy. the kids were in the for quite awhile today.

I started out going to the pilates class with Maureen McClain up at the church. a bunch of girls were there. lyndsay, valerie with their crazy boys and it was loud and slightly obnoxious. ok, really obnoxious. lyndsay was hit in the cheek by valerie's little boy sawyer who was wielding a bat. she let him bring a weapon, classic.

then i drove to jon heder's house to pick up the bag i left at the oscar party on sunday night. then we came back home and the kids slept took their naps in the car and i tried to tidy the house. Then they woke up, we got some food and then i got a call from Sarah Outwater.

Sarah Outwater. i am her visiting teacher, she is blind and has an amazing conversion story. she was called me crying and asked if i could take her over to no. hollywood

scripture jouranal

Duh,

The woman at the well. i've seen/heard it a thousand times and yet the story didn't make sense until now.

Rebekah, the woman at the well. i never understood her significance.

Abraham sent his servant to find a wife for his son, Isaac in his homeland. He let his camel drink at the well.

The servant prayed for the damsel to offer him and his camels water so he would know it was the woman the Lord had chosen for Issac. Rebekah did just that.

The servant dwelled with her and her family, the servant told the story of how the lord prepared him and her to her father and brother.

He asked if he could take her back to Abraham, they said...let us keep her 10 days and then you can go.

He asked to go today, they brought rebekah in and asked if she would go with him.

She said yes. and they promptly left.

My favorite verse, the last one; 67:And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was ^acomforted after his mother’s ^bdeath.

The Official Scripture

More Thoughts

Brandon and Rachel still don't have a job. they were so close today. he tested for a sit com and didn't get it. they're dying. beyond dying. Here's hoping they get something this pilot season, otherwise we will have new neighbors renting their house next door while they move to utah. aaaah, That's not good.

I've been feeling good this week. There was an amazing talk given by a new member of our ward about prayer. I had such strong feelings in my mind and heart about the truthfulness of the things he was saying.

The things i remember,

1. we have to be willing to ask.

2. we have to be reading the scriptures to hear

3. we have to be willing to act.

4. we must be willing to ponder.

Something I heard a long time ago was, "We speak to the Lord through prayer, he speaks to us through the scriptures."

This is one that i've always had a hard time with reading the scriptures regularly. always. it makes me mad. I'm really good at the pondering part. I can think about how to solve problems i might be facing all day long. i feel like i have a prayer in my heart all day. i pray in my mind a lot during the day. I need to get better at kneeling, though. it's not the same to lay down and pray.

But, there are a lot of things i've been helped with lately. things i KNOW didn't come from me but from the Lord. I couldn't have done any of these things without my Heavenly Father.

1. laundry - much better, not perfect. but much better.

2. trying to keep the house clean. i've finding more energy, not always, but like tonight, i HAD to get some stuff put away. i'm not ok with piles anymore. at least NOT as ok.

Need to work on.

1. food. labeling, calculating, quantifiying and really knowing my budget and what we eat.

2. scriptures with my kids. ugh! scriptures with my kids!! i REALLY don't want to fail grandma's challenge. Not getting a lot of support from Doug on this. but we are able to talk more about this stuff without arguing. we had a good honest talk about FHE yesterday that resulted in a really good family night last night.

so here i am. looking at life on a spending hiatus. The spirit told me that it was time to stop spending. It was ok to get the house put together, but now i'm just being picky. So, I'm stopping.

I'm ready to figure out food. A two week plan and schedule including when i shop and schedule deliveries.

I'm ready to focus on spirituality in my family, in my home. Reading scriptures, chores and money from the parenting breakthrough.

i'm also ready to work hard in my calling. spend time on it during the week.

Parking Nazi next door.

This morning Doug's friend, Clint Kasparian, parked in front of our neighbors driveway to go somewhere with doug. when they came back the neighbor was waiting and approached them very aggressively, cussing them out and shouting and pointing fingers. Doug walked closer to get in his face and the guy shoved Doug. They shouted some more about who parks where and it's been 17 years since he lived here.

doug came inside and went out again and the guy was calling me an a-hole so doug almost punched the guy. he was so MAd. i went out and started yelling, too. I called him the parking police, the parking nazi and then the best one ever....the jewel of the neighborhood.

this all stems from the last encounter i had with that guy. when doug was gone and our car doors stopped working, so i parked in front of his house until i could pull the car out. simon and penny were sitting on the lawn, i was stressed and freaked out trying to get to Sophie in time. He came out yelling at me

am i a time waster? when things are a disaster, i'm going from morning til night. now that things are a little more organized and i have a plan in mind, i think i'm actually a lazy person. must fight this. must.

living room needs to be pulled together. how do i do that?

It's saturday. did the entire week go by with no journaling? Well, i've had a few a-ha's this week.

1. cleaners every other friday

2. clean car while cleaners are here every other friday.

3. spend less on food

4. food delivery on wednesday

going to follow the boyak plan to help kids learn skills

need to finish nuture shock. especially for owen.

Music: I love it

And, I'm stagnant. I want to find a new artist every month? Week? and listen to it all week. New stuff. Loving what i'm finding on the interweb. Want to incorporate.

Even if it's new tracks.....or old ones from the archives?

change

Things that seem impossible

I have a huge list of things that seem impossible. Although, i have great faith that in Christ all things are possible. I have experienced this first hand so many times. so here's my list.

1. Becoming an early riser: I am pretty grumpy in the morning. I don't think i show it, but i'm not the mom that is awake and in the kitchen when the family wakes up. I'd like to be, though. I have one more year until we have to get sophie to seminary, all the way up the hill. That is my deadline. To become an early riser by then.

2. Laundry: Too many clothes. that's just it. we have too many clothes. I need a laundry schedule that i STICK to.

3. Reading the Scriptures everyday with the Family: Following Grandma's challenge and finishing the book of mormon with the family seems impossible. I'm trying to identify why.

• We aren't early risers.
• I'm really tired at night.
• Doug doesn't head it up either, so i let it slide. I think we're going to regret this one if we don't fix it!

Now, The Plan:

1. Put myself in order. What is it going to take to pray and read my scriptures daily. WHAT???

2) Make a schedule and stick to it. How you gonna do this when our lives are anything but scheduled. or is this just my excuse. everything except Doug's schedule is pretty consistent. Have to be better at homemaking when doug is around. I'm much, much better about it on my own. NEED to fix that.

3) Rewards? hmm. will have to think about that.

4) Also, approach Doug about making a goal to pray together every day. just us.

what a surprise.

It all worked out. Heavenly Father definitely helps me every day. Although, i'm not sure I can muster enough to get to the valentines day party.

Doug is working today. We took owen to his swim lessons this morning, left sophie here by herself so Heidi hertford could come over and help her practice.

when we got home, i fed and put simon down, made chicken salad sandwiches for lunch, finally got penny down. sophie arranged a ride to her basketball game. As soon as she was out the door, i was hitting the sack for a little nap.

But then, i remembered that we have SNACK! argh!! i'm so pissed. now i have to take everyone to the store!!! and up the stairs to the game. uh, i could just die. blah.

Sunday

Owen bore his testimony today. I did, too, but it was Owen's testimony that had me feeling so happy.

It was about 4 minutes past the time we should be ending and there was somebody still talking at the pulpit. Owen comes over while he's eating some of Penny's apple slices.

He said, " I want to bear my testimony." All casual-like.

"Really? Hmmm. It's pretty late now do you want to wait until next time?" I tried to coax. (shame on me.)

"No, I want to go today."

"Well, ok. Go on up and sit by Dad."

Owen bears his testimony a lot. He is really thoughtful and quite sincere when he does it.

Once about Prayers being answered after he slept in his bed all night and prayed for heavenly Father's help to do it

Once about Families being together forever.

And yesterday he said something like,

"Hi my name is Owen and i want to bear my testimony that God lives."

I can't remember the rest, i'll have to see if Doug remembers. Oh, it was sweet. HE made me so proud.

Doug

doing better, yet something still seems far off.

In life, in love.

we'll get there.

sophina bina

Well, oh well. Miss sophie is about to get her period. she is starting to carry around pads just in case. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! what am i going to do? oh, be the mom of a teenage, that's what.

She would kill me for writing that. good thing she'll probably never read it.

she's doing extremely well in school, great test scores, is so helpful at home and is just such a wonderful kid.

Her room is usually a disaster, though. clothes all over the place, she rarely plays the piano and that makes me nuts.

but i always make sure she got her HUG from me each day. at night i'll ask her and then give her a squeeze, just so she knows i love her.

O-boy

He is a TALKER right now. oh, man alive, he'll tell you about every favorite part of every favorite video game, cartoon, movie and all at wierd times. when things are crazy.

He's taking drum lessons from Mr. Lee. Doug brought home a drum {from Aunt Lori} set so we'll see how he like that. He's pretty rhythmic and musical. he's got that math brain.

He's such a naturally smart boy. he's logical. he's on his mulitplication tables. x2, x5 AND x10's.

He asked Doug to call some of his friends so they could make a video game. Not a Big one like halo, of course. just a little one so it wouldn't take very long. So Cute. i love that kid. Hope i can help him be a really good man someday.

Pickle

NOOOOOOOOOO!, she says in a high pitched angry voice.

This is our Penny right now. It's like she now knows right when i'm not paying attention or responding right away and she lets me know.

We're doing Maggy Haves toddler class, on tues/thurs now. i absolutely adore it. It stops my crazy world a bit and while penny is along for the ride most of the time, that 2 hours is all about her. as if she's the only baby in our family. it's so nice.

And it is a scheduling nightmare. it might kill me.

Lefty, dubya or scarface....you choose

Simon is such a joy. He is 5 months now. He talks and laughs and entertains himself for hours.

I was talking to Samantha today, she sleep trained her 6 week old by letting her cry for 45 minutes for 3 nights in a row. the baby then slept 8 hours, woke up to eat and then slept for another 4. I said that simon was up all night (an exaggeration, of course) and she asked me, " don't you sleep train?"

And i didn't have a good answer. with sophie, no sleep training at all and we regretted it. so with owen we were nazi's. or at least i thought we were but looking back i think he was just a very easy baby! I didn't have to have him cry it out until he was much older!

With Penny, she was spoiled but slept alot of the night but not all the way through until 12 months.

Anyway, i thought and thought and couldn't figure out why i felt like the doof for not making my kid scream for 45 min. but i don't want to do that, i don't need him to do that. Is that even ok these days???

He is such a good baby and gets the remnants of my attention, mostly when he eats, and is happy and gets awakened from naps on a regular basis and is always in some kind of chair, the exersaucer chair, the high chair, the bebe pod chair, the car seat... going here and there, following kids around or going on mamas shopping trips. At night it's like our time. he likes to sleep with me and i like nursing him. just mama and simon. no one competing for my attention. he gets it all. ok, so i'm usually half asleep but i still love it. i love him and have not even the teeniest tiniest bit of desire to make him cry it out right now. maybe someday, not now.

I just put him down and once he's swaddled, i put that binky in his mouth and he kind of turns his head to the side and closes his eyes. agh, he's wonderful.

Also,

I'm starting two collections this year. Letterpress prints and cards: for design and printing inspriation. And Caldecott Award winning books. because designmom collects them (she was my original inspriation) but then i've recently discovered that i dislike a lot of the childrens books that we own. So there you go.

It's really something special to have a baby

It really is. My favorite time of day is at night when i've put him in his crib, all bundled up and he's sleeping so soundly. I love going in to get Owen's pajamas and there's Simon, purring quitely, his binky having fallen out of his puckered mouth lies next to him. His lips are perfect, he is perfect because he is my baby. i pat him on his belly and feel the spirit so strong. he is a child of God and I am SO lucky to be caring for him on earth. he is special, so so special. I hope i never forget how i feel tonight. So very blessed. He's probably my last and i get a little sad thinking that 5 months has already flown by. Oh, he's so precious and amiable and jovial and perfect. My heart could burst tonight.

this last sentence was chopped from the above paragraph. but i still love his hair.

His hair line is my favorite. it reminds me of what carter probably looked like as a baby. His tiny blonde hair is coming in so perfectly around his face.

couldn't hang on even one more minute.

Oh, today was hard. Lots of deep breathing as Penny shouted at me nearly all day. boy that gets tiring. She was super cute in lots of ways today but wow that shout makes me bonkers.

doug got home.

i went to see "When in Rome" starring Josh Duhmel, Kristen Bell, and Jon Heder. I went with emily timmreck and laurie malawanag. tickets were 12 bucks each at the burbank 16.

thinkers

I wanna be a thinker. just read a brooke post and it made me want to be a thinker, a labeler (in a good way) more like and identifier, an analyzer, a studier.

how do i do that? I've been thinking about athat for a while. it's interesting, my writing was better before i found so many other blogs that have really good writers. so i stopped. but writing helps you be a better writer as does studying, thinking and analyzing. i feel like i need assignments.

will come up with a plan.

Today has been intense

The last few days have been intense. Penny woke up from her nap on tuesday with a fever and she has been clingy and cry and shouty and demanding since then. I'm just realizing now how tired my arms and my brain are.

Owen is at baylen's and sophie is putting on make up in my bathroom. the house is quiet, both babies are asleep and i just realized how tired my muscles and my spirit feel like they have been flexing since grandma left. no rest. no relax. someone always needs something. in fact, my phone just alerted me of a text.

As I was laying Simon down, nursing him to sleep (a big mistake but i just can't help it) he's so sweet and i put him down all. the. time so i absolutely relish sleeping and nursing him at night. it's our time without anyone else. he really wants me by the end of the day and that's the best way for me to give it to him right now.

Today he started to spin around on his tummy and scoot a little bit. when i was in the shower the other day, the door was open and i could see him squirming his way to the edge. I had to jump out just in case he decided to squirm one big squirm and fall right off the bed.

anyway, while i was nursing him i was daydreaming about going to a hotel for valentines day or anniversary or mothers' day, whatever... but just going over night and having grandma terrie take care of the kids while i just went somewhere else to sleep. in a nice, soft, comfortable bed. far away from crying babies. i full night's sleep. i don't even know what that is anymore.

Doug comes back tomorrow. diet coke is my friend.

Have been thinking about colors

And how to put them together. I was scrolling through some design sponge sneak peeks and found two that I love. Whimsy and Square Space press, i think.

one color combination that i love is pale pink, bright red (maybe a tad desaturate, but still bold) mossy green and grey. loved it. they had dark wood as well as lighter wood on the walls.

REally, really want to finish organizing the house, putting it all together with the details.

To be Done:

family room:

Small table next to eames lounger?

Photos up

Lamp

Pillows

Ottoman-- Target?

Magazine Rack

Entry:

Round tray

Flower pot

flower

Credenza:

Eliminate photos.

determine what looks good up there.

Sophie/Penny's room

Photos or prints for walls

rug

play kitchen

cover board with fabric

My room

Bedding

Pillows

Shams

Lamp

Side Table

Organize MY Stuff:

bills

crafty

magazines

Don't know what to think about all this. Could spend a fortune, don't really want to but i feel like i'm functioning SOOO much better when things are organized. Upcycled, Recycled, craigslist, etc. i guess.

Day 17

I haven't written since thursday. dang it. i'd attempt to catch up but it just seems a little stupid at this point. either way, i've written more by way of journal this year already than the last 10 combined, so at least i'm getting somewhere.

I downloaded Photoshop elements tonight. If i could be anything, right now, i'd like to be a graphic designer. Doug has yet to successfully install photoshop and illustrator on my computer so i figure for 80 bucks i can start learning and persuing it my way and until the babies are bigger and i can get more serious about it. I'm excited.

my sister chris facebooked me that she's calling off her wedding. Matt is chatting with someone online and blah blah blah. i feel bad for her.

Day 16

The last few days have been hard, even with grandma here. without her i would have been an absolute mess!

Problems:

Owen is hard for me to handle today.

He gets hyper and crazy around 7:30, when my energy is at the tail end.

Penny is hard for me to handle today

She seriously screamed at me anytime she wanted/needed something.

Solutions:

Learn how to communicate better with Owen.

Identify trouble spots or times and find good solutions.

let him be on the computer. at 8 tonight, he did math fact and some other stuff. it was heaven for the both of us.

Remember he is a son of God.

I miss Doug. it has been raining crazy hard for 3 days straight. not used to this kind of weather even though it's a nice break.

i'm still fat. my middle, spare tire / muffin top is not shrinking on its own. It's going to be so hard to get rid of. funny thing. i just ate a muffin. one of grandma's banana chocolate chip 'fuffins.' i'd probably get rid of it sooner if i stopped eating stuff like that. oh and about 6 chocolate mints that doug got for his birthday from Grandma O.

Have been reading scriptures 2 nights in a row. love doing it with grandma. she's reminding me what it's supposed to be like. read a few verses, discuss just briefly and go on. I'm glad she's here to help us start to make it a habit.

penny is crying in her crib. i put her down at 7:15 cuz she was crazy and acting so tired. she talked and played in her crib. and then finally started crying after about 1hr 30 minutes. i finally let her out and then put her down again 10 minutes ago. she's never going to sleep tonight. what the heck is going on????

Day 15

Grandma is here. i'm so happy.

Day 14

It's sunday. I went to stake conference with the big kids while doug stayed home with the littles. it was really good.

some of the impressions i got.

• get my temple recommend. go every month. use the babysitters! go this month and pray about owen. how do i help him become a good person, a good teen, a good student, a good priesthood holder, a good missionary, a good dad?
• put a picture of christ on my nightstand. i need visual reminders. Don't let doug discourage me from putting up the visual reminders. i can feel myself slipping, choosing not to do the things i'm supposed to and instead, focusing on 'stuff' like, furniture, home decor, facebook, email, blogs. Get that balance!
• get to know Jesus. the one who came to take care of us all. i loved that talk so much.
• Also, leave a legacy of faith.

that last one got me to thinking again about me as a person. as a mom. kelly is going to go get her degree. i'll be the only one without it. does that matter to me? kind of. is it entire wrong for me to go back to school? sure feels wrong. will photoshop and illustrator classes make me feel better? probably. cooking classes? probably.

ugh. i hate discouragement. and i'm feeling it tonight.

Other things that popped into my head...maybe that's all for now

Day 13

Saturday. I'd really like to make saturday more of a family day. we all kinda go our separate ways all the time. i want to make more family memories. with doug traveling so much how do i do that?

other things i'd like to do:

• pray with doug daily
• come up with a chamberlain family post-prayer cheer. sounds so dorky.
• get the damn pictures on the wall! i'm going to go thrift shopping tomorrow and fill them with thrift prints, for crying out loud!

Day 12

well. thursday smacked me in the face. Owen brought a note home from his teacher saying he is dishelved and unkind to a kid named donald.

I had a melt down. i was crying in owen's bed talking to doug on the phone. I took it very personally. i am so overwhelmed. i have so many responsiblities on so many levels and crazy schedules and blah blah blah. it was a hard day.

i made a bunch of to do lists. we'll see if i can turn this around.

Day 11

Doug's birthday was yesterday. he turned 37. he's in new york shooting commercials and so for his birthday, i found a bag online that i thought he would like. i put it on hold and then gave him an address and a name and told him to go and find out his little birthday surprise. it's a 375 dollar bag so i didn't buy it for him, but just let him look around. apparently, he liked the fun and hunt but the bag was not as keen as he would like. oh well. he found some 480 dollar boots instead. whoa. good thing he's making money.

interesting thing i was thinking about today. for years i've been drilling into sophie's head the idea that she doesn't need to worry about what other people think. i spent my entire adolescence looking for approval from people, to a flaw, a serious FLAW! it has hindered personal growth in so many ways. and she's a very confident kid. doesn't care if she's the only one dressed up for blue and gold day at school kind of confidence. good for her. that makes me happy.

Then, last night, we had a bball/mutual conflict. we've ditched out on so many sunday bball practices that i was encouraging her to skip mutual and go to the practice. coach dean would have probably kicked her off the team for it. maybe not. anyway, she said this, and i started wondering if all my talk could back fire. she said.

"what do i care what coach dean thinks of me. it doesn't matter what he thinks, only what i think."

could that turn her into a flake and she wouldn't even care that she's a flake?

i'm going to ponder and see what i come up with.

Day 10

Lots of fast food today. Wendy's after the little's and i went to Target. Subway for sophie at lunch so i picked one up for me. And then McDonalds after i picked up owen from school and while we were waiting for sophie. Too much grease. yuck.

Simon is so cute and smiley. so cute. i love him. penny is aggressive again. she bit simon {hard} on the finger. ohhh, that girl!

Day 9

So, today is the second day without doug. i've eaten terribly. I was tired, haven't exercised. went to the park with beth. It was nice. penny needs to go to the park more often. I actually fell asleep with the kids around 9:30 and woke up at midnight. simon woke not much longer after that so i fed him and snuggled him thinking i was going to go back to sleep. the problem is, i left the house crazay and not locked up. the garage door was open with the light on and the dishes were overflowing in the sink and there was a cooking crock with tonights tuna casserole still in it.

yuck. i had to get up. i had to clean up. the cleaners are coming early tomorrow. like, 8:30. there wouldnt' be anytime to clean in the morning and it would be SOOO much harder do get it done with both babies needing me, as they usually do all day.

So, i got up. i cleaned up the kitchen, closed the garage, locked the doors. most were locked, actually, but just made sure things were put to bed. and now i'm sitting here 3 hours later, STILL awake. blogging, shopping, surfing, loving design blogs. I really want to take illustrator and photoshop. really bad. I miss doug. he's in new york. it's his birthday today and i wish i could send him something awesome. but it can't really. i have lots of limitations. i hate that.

just texted him. he's starts at 7, hopefully he'll get it.